


tell me how you hate me

by dramasode



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1980s, Alternate Universe - 1990s, Jealousy, Light Angst, Love Letters, M/M, Making Out, Summer Love, Summer Romance, cottagecore gays, jeongin is the only reliable one, okay maybe a bit heavy angst, overall wholesome, rated m for one explicit scene, side jilix bc seungjin are a mess, somebody save minho, they ride bikes woohoo, they’re rly confused
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:02:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28865229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dramasode/pseuds/dramasode
Summary: All summers have been the same for Hyunjin. Work the same hours, clean the same tables, talk to the same people. He’s never complained, has never wanted anything more. Yet, once Kim Seungmin shows up with his smudged eye makeup and shorts that barely reach his knees, Hyunjin thinks one summer without normalcy may do him some good.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin, Minor Han Jisung | Han/Lee Felix - Relationship
Comments: 51
Kudos: 118





	1. the calm before the storm

— DAEGU KOREA · 1989

“Hyunjin!” 

The boy perks up to see his housemate beckoning him over. He looks down at the basket in his hands, sighing. His knees crack as he stands, trying to keep his shoulders from sagging. 

Hyunjin didn’t mind living in the conditions that he did. It was what he had, and he made the most of it. His three housemates were a handful, and they barely saw each other from how much they worked, but once again, he didn’t mind.

It wasn’t like he was the worst off. They had money, they had food, they just worked extra hard for it. They’re all up by nine o’clock on a good day, eating together before they head off. 

“Did you need something?” the basket in his hands immediately gets grabbed as he walks through the door, a dazzling smile on his housemate’s face. 

Jisung digs through it, “Nope,” he says, popping the p.

“We just needed you back in here, you’ve been out there for hours,” Minho, one who surprised him with his upfront concern, chimes from the cabinets. 

“Okay, well thank you for making sure I don’t die of heatstroke. Now,” he snatches the basket back, “I would appreciate it if you didn’t dig through my fruits. They’re are fresh and you know I’m the only one who can reach-”

“And I would appreciate it if you stopped reminding us that being the tallest one here gives you more responsibilities, we know.” Minho slams a tray down onto the countertop, startling Felix, who had his head buried in his arms. 

“Ah, look who’s awake..” Jisung snickers, sliding into the chair next to the drowsy boy. He sniffles, Jisung patting his hair down gently. 

Hyunjin tried to hide a little smile. This was what normal days were like for him. Domestically cooking dinner, spending time together, joking around, and speaking like a family. They were family. Not by blood, but that doesn’t matter in Hyunjin’s eyes. 

He prefers them over his biologically-related family anyhow. 

“What's the deal with the tray?” Hyunjin asks as he begins to sort the fruit into the two small containers he put out beforehand. 

Minho huffs triumphantly, ( _like he’s accomplished something when he hasn’t even started?_ ) “I’m going to try making ice cream! Felix did it last time and it turned out well, but he’s sick … and I’m craving ice cream. Put two and two together.” 

( Hyunjin mutters a little _goodluck_ there, I guess, which only ends with him in a headlock and Felix’s sleepy giggles resonating throughout the room. ) 

-

Nighttime is always the loneliest. 

Felix would spend some nights with him or the other boys, but since he seems to have a cold, he would rather not for tonight. Minho likes to sleep by himself, and the others prefer to leave it that way, he’s … clingy when he wakes up. In a room with nothing more than a choppy old fan, they don’t appreciate that much. Hyunjin once woke up with his whole shirt drenched in sweat and smelling like a pigsty, it wasn’t pleasant. So, never again. 

Jisung doesn’t sleep most nights. Sometimes, when Hyunjin is laying flat on the mattress, staring at the ceiling, he hears him walking around. It was a bit of an adjustment when he was younger, at the age of fourteen, Hyunjin believed all types of things. He couldn’t count the number of times where he thought Jisung was a paranormal entity that had it out for him when he heard footsteps in the hallway. 

He learned that Jisung _can’t_ sleep. He lives off the energy drinks that the girl on the main road, Hyejoo, sells to them for less than a four bucks. Hyunjin worried for him sometimes. He looked out of it half the time.

He always kept a smile on his face though, and Hyunjin feels warm at the thought of it. Jisung’s a good person for that, for trying to wash their worries away with an act. It’s appreciated, even if they see through it.

Tonight is different. 

Hyunjin still stares at the ceiling, flat on his back, that doesn’t change. But, there’s a lack of soft footsteps padding throughout the halls. 

It’s worrisome. 

It’s the only way Hyunjin knows Jisung, or anyone, is in the house with him, that something hasn’t happened to them. Felix tells him he’s full of baloney, that nobody will break in and try to hurt them. Hyunjin always laughs it off to humor him, but they both know the slums in Daegu aren’t safe. The difference is that Felix tries to ignore it.

Jisung’s footsteps are reassuring, and tonight they weren’t there.

He slides out of the thin sheet he uses as a cover, twisting the doorknob gently to rid of any noise. He pads down the hall, seeing Jisung’s door slightly open. 

Hyunjin takes a break, trying to peek inside. He pushes it open, not without a whine from the rusty hinges. He cringes at the sound, but proceeds. 

Jisung isn’t in his bed. 

Hyunjin ignored that fact, his attention drawn to the pages scattered on the ground, the window slightly open to let some breeze in. 

Sighing, he bends down to pick them up. 

They aren’t blank. 

There's … words? 

From Hyunjin’s limited education in his younger years and Felix’s help, he’s pretty confident in his language skills. 

_ If only I had just one day _

_ I want to peacefully fall asleep  _

_ intoxicated with your sweet scent _

_ If there’s a chance in my busy schedule  _

Hyunjin didn’t mean to read it. It just happened, and his eyes were quicker than the logical part of his brain. 

He knows a bit about Jisung’s hobby of writing poetry, lyrics, he would say, to a song. 

The line was cut off at an awkward point, Jisung seemingly running out of space. 

He shuffles the pages, drawing all blanks until more chicken-scratch was found on one of them.

_ Your eyes tell everything _

_ I like that, your long, straight hair _

_ Your breathtaking neck when you _

_ Put it up and the strands that fall out _

This feels wrong. 

Hyunjin doesn’t know much about who Jisung knows, who he’s involved with, it has never been and never will be his business. He’s tried to pry into Jisung’s whereabouts more than once, and it ends the same way each time. 

— OCTOBER, 1986

_ “I told you to say out my fucking business!” a sixteen year old Jisung yelled, grabbing his sweater and fitting it on. Cursing wasn’t new for Jisung, he’d been doing it since he came out of the womb. Chan, their old housemate, didn’t really feel fond of such ugly words. Hyunjin tried to please him by not using them. Jisung never cared. Hyunjin feels anger rise within him, “I would if you weren’t doing shady stuff all the time! You never sleep, you’re always writing in that little book, you just —” Hyunjin snaps when Jisung threatens to push him, making an effort to grab the book.  _

_ Felix stepped back from behind them, ears covered with his palms. Hyunjin hated to scare him like this, but he has a low tolerance for Jisung’s shallowness.  _

_ Jisung steps back, book behind him now, “I swear to God, Hwang, try and touch my shit again and you won’t fucking have hands to reach out for anything.” Jisung says it with so much spite, like he hates Hyunjin’s guts. His heart stings more than his back when Jisung pushes past him, his backside grazing the hinges of the door, probably scraping it. _

_ “What the hell is going on?” Minho comes stumbling out of his room, eyes half closed and face swollen, in contrast to his loud voice booming throughout the hall. Felix is slumped down on the ground, face buried into his knees. Minho looks to Hyunjin instead. _

_ “So?”  _

_ “There were some- uh, pages, on the counter and I read them because- I don’t know? I was curious? And then Jisung came storming downstairs, and he accused me of stealing his shit. I don’t even want his shit, Hyung!”  _

_ “That’s not how it went and you know it,” Felix speaks up, voice hoarse.  _

_ Hyunjin’s stomach sinks. _

Back then, he thought the world would’ve ended. Jisung didn’t come home for three days. Minho spent every day asking around the neighborhood, going on early jogs, ( which he never did ) just to see if he’d find him. Nothing came up, until Jisung was actually standing in front of them in the doorway. 

As for Hyunjin, Minho barely spoke to him. He figured that much, because he knew he wasn't the favorite, but when Felix saw him walk down the steps and didn’t even spare him a glance, Hyunjin started to believe he really fucked up this time. They’d want him gone after they found Jisung.

That wasn’t the case, and now that they’re three years older, Hyunjin and Jisung have learned to get along for the better. 

He shakes his head, freeing himself of the memory, stacking the pages up and evening them out. He puts them by the window once more, closing it shut afterwards. His gaze on the pages lingers for far too long, but he’s eventually able to look away. He still hasn’t found the thing — well, _person_ , he was looking for in the first place. 

The door speaks as he exits, heading to Minho’s room next, he tries the doorknob. It’s locked, as per usual. 

Felix’s room is the last. 

His door is unlocked, slightly ajar. 

What he sees is not what he expected. 

Felix is curled up into the sheets, Jisung’s arm swung over his torso, legs tangled together. The fan is whirring above them, slowly but surely. The radio was left on, the light melody of citypop playing through the speakers. 

Hyunjin takes a good look at them. Jisung and Felix have been attached by the hip, of course they always have been, but even more so lately. He looks at how Felix’s long blond hair is tied up in a ponytail, and remembers how Jisung’s been carding his fingers through it nearly once a day. 

_ ‘ — Your eyes tell everything _

_ I like that, your long, straight hair _

_ Your breathtaking neck when you _

_ Put it up and the strands that fall out ’  _

Hyunjin feels like he’s intruding once he realizes. 

He smiles, because he's always kind of known, but some sort of confirmation is the cherry on top. 

He shuts the door, shuffling on his two feet back to his room, having a feeling he wouldn’t be able to sleep with how giddy he felt.

-

“Morning, ‘Lix.” Hyunjin beams, his little heart still happy and dancing from his latest discovery.

Felix eyes him with an odd look, smiling nonetheless, “What’s got you all chipper?” 

“Uh,” Hyunjin bites down on his grin, “Just, something I read last night. Pretty eye-opening.” 

Jisung snorts, emerging from the bathroom. “You? Reading? Which book?” 

Hyunjin sighs to mask his apprehension, “Um- Just a poster I saw from outside the window. It was gone when I woke up. I’m taking it as a sign..” 

Jisung and Felix share a look, but they don’t say much else. Hyunjin is thankful for that much. 

Minho comes running down the stairs noisily, different from his usual sneaking around groggily in the morning. 

“Morning. Hyunjin, did you eat yet?” It’s obvious he knows the answer from the way he eyes the empty bowl, but Hyunjin still shakes his head. 

“Alright, well. You might want to, because- Okay, wait. I have news, everybody.” 

The other two stop in their tracks just as Hyunjin does.

Minho eyes them all, fooling them with his nervy facade. 

“Channie-Hyung’s coming back!” he says, grin spreading over his lips. 

Jisung and Felix gasp in unison, bursting into a fit of laughter because of it, and just for the hell of it, Minho joins them. 

Hyunjin doesn’t know how to feel. 

Hyunjin can barely remember what phase he was goingthrough when Chan was last here. He was only fourteen when he and Chan met at the diner he worked at, scrubbing tables like his life depended on it. Seventeen-year-old Chan walked in, and his bright smile lit up the room. Hyunjin thinks he fell a bit in love with him at that moment. 

After learning about Hyunjin’s situation at home, mentally unstable father and deceased mother, he told Hyunjin to pack up his things tight and don’t look back. Hyunjin listened to him, and now he’s here, with his real family. 

The thing was, Chan didn’t live here. Not permanently, at least.

The house was in his name, of course, they finalized it once he became of age. His family was back in Goyang, halfway across the country. Tickets were expensive. Chan wasn’t the wealthiest, as much as he helped people with job offers, it was his kindness rather than his position of power. 

He hasn’t seen Chan in three years. He’s talked to him on the telephone sometimes, but once again, the bills were high. They both understood. When Chan left, Hyunjin ached for somebody to come in and pick the pieces of him up and put him back together, like Chan always had. Nobody ever did, and in a way, it helped Hyunjin mature. Last time Chan visited was when Hyunjin was just turning sixteen, and that’s when he brought Felix along. Hyunjin didn’t speak with Felix a lot, as much as he liked him. 

He thought Felix would stay for one or two months, then run away and leave out of the blue just like Chan did, so he made no effort to become attached. He assumes that’s the reason Felix and Jisung have always been closer, because of Felix’s first few mornings there. 

After all, Chan was the only one who left. Felix stayed behind, and overtime, he became ingrained into their family.

“Hyunjin?” 

He blinks, eyes darting to Jisung. 

“Yeah?”

“Did you hear? That he’s bringing somebody new?”

_Huh_. 

“What? No? Sorry, I just zoned out for a second.” 

“Making me explain it again, ah, Hwang Hyunjin,” Minho tsked good-naturedly, earning a playful roll of Hyunjin’s eyes in return. 

“Don’t take my word for it, but apparently his name is Seungmin, and he’s from Gwangju. Chan was visiting and he found him somehow, I don’t know. But yeah,” he finished with snatching a piece of beef from Felix’s plate. 

“Well, any guy Hyung trusts, I trust. You know?”

Jisung hums in disagreement. 

“You guys put Channie-Hyung on a pedestal, man can barely get a few words out without blubbering around Jihyo-noona. He’s not as tough as you make him out to be.” he giggles when Felix knocks him upside the head, whispering a small _Don’t be mean!_

“I’m not mean, you’re just .. too nice.” 

Hyunjin wills himself to look away when Jisung brushes the loose strand of hair behind Felix’s ear, tucking it there gently. 

“What’s this about Hyung and Jihyo-noona?” Minho eyes Jisung warily, earning a grin. 

Hyunjin decides to speak up, “Nothing. Just that those two are usually a mess around each other.” 

“What?!” 

“You didn’t know? Hyung’s been crushing on her for years!” Jisung laughs, shaking his head, “Three years of working together and she still probably doesn’t know.”

Hyunjin felt jealousy bubble up in his stomach. 

Jihyo was such a hell of a woman, attractive, independent, considerate, everything Chan would want in somebody. 

Hyunjin didn’t know her like that, he’s seen her once. 

When Chan was leaving. 

She was heading on the same train, and she complimented Hyunjin’s fluffy hair, even asked him what condition he used. He wonders what she’d say if she saw it were longer now. 

On that train to Goyang, apparently she was headed to the same area as Chan. From their limited phone calls, Hyunjin learned that Jihyo and Chan are coworkers at the local news broadcasting station in Goyang, and that Chan developed feelings for her while getting to know her.

Hyunjin pushed it to the back of his head. 

Jisung bringing it up now stings more than he wants to admit. 

-

The sound of the bell jingling made Hyunjin’s night. He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, looking up to see his coworker’s toothy grin. 

“Hey Hyung,” Jeongin greets, setting his working bag down.

Hyunjin watches as he unpacks his things, “Hey Yeni, I know your shift starts in a few but would it be a problem if I just packed my stuff up now?”

Jeongin rushes to shake his head, “No! Of course not, Hyung. You know you don’t even have to ask. As soon as I walk in here you can go.”

Hyunjin sighs lightly, a grateful smile dawning on his lips. 

Jeongin is an enigma to Hyunjin, and probably the rest of the world.

From what Hyunjin sees of him on the streets, he’s pensive, intimidating, keeping his chin high and walking with an intention to be somewhere at all times. However, the Jeongin he knows was his sweet hoobae who keeps to himself, is always polite and willing to help. 

Jeongin isn’t as judgemental as he thought initially, a few years ago. Hyunjin opened up about his family, his housemates, crushes — but from Hyunjin’s descriptions, Jeongin could tell that he wasn’t like everybody else. 

Especially when one of his crushes seemed a lot like one of his former housemates. 

— JUNE, 1987

_ “Hyung,” Jeongin started, he sounded small.  _

_ Hyunjin hummed. _

_ The diner was void of any customers, it was just the two of them playing around as Hyunjin’s shift was about to end. _

_ “How did you know that … you like boys?”  _

_ Hyunjin froze. _

_ “That I like what?” _

_ There’s a second of doubt that flashes in Jeongin’s eyes, and Hyunjin feels for him. He must’ve thought that Hyunjin was some homophobic prick who became livid at the mere thought of same sex couples- _

_ “You do … like guys, right?”  _

_ Hyunjin just nods. Jeongin sighs in relief, a smile dawning on his lips.  _

_ “How did you know?”  _

_ Hyunjin feels warm.  _

_ He knew from then that Jeongin probably wasn’t like everybody else, too.  _

“Hyung,” 

Hyunjin snaps out of his daze, “Yeah?” 

“Are you okay? You seem so out of it today.” 

Another thing about Jeongin, he’s observant. 

And blunt, too.

The question catches Hyunjin by surprise. It shouldn’t, though. Jeongin’s been around long enough to sense when Hyunjin’s spark isn’t lit. He thinks about it, and decides that maybe for this once, he’s allowed to overshare. Jeongin asked, to be fair. 

“Do you want the real answer or the fake one?”

Jeongin huffs a laugh, then playfully glares at him.

Hyunjin smiles as he rolls his eyes, taking a seat on the stool across from the counter. 

“Hyung’s coming back to town.” 

Jeongin stops in his tracks, eyebrows raising in shock, “Like, Minho-Hyung? I didn’t know he left!” 

He chuckles, biting down a smile, “No, not him! Chan-Hyung.” 

Hyunjin watches as Jeongin’s face contorts into one of realization, mouth forming a small ‘o’. 

Jeongin has limited knowledge on Chan. 

All he knows is that Chan was here, and Hyunjin loved him, and now he isn’t. 

And Hyunjin still loves him. 

All the latter can do is frown, reaching out to smooth Hyunjin’s hair down. “Yikes. Is it permanent or .. ?” 

Hyunjin shrugs with a heavy sigh, leaning into Jeongin’s touch. “I don’t know. Minho-hyung just told us that he’s coming back and bringing somebody new.” 

Jeongin cringes, “You know his name?”

“Seungmin. From Gwangju. That’s all I know.”

“You gonna ignore him like you did Felix his first few days here?” Jeongin grins teasingly, “Because sixteen-year-old Hyunjin may've been up for it, but I’m thinking our big boy can put it past himself, no?” 

Hyunjin smiles slightly, taking Jeongin’s hand and squeezing lightly, “Yes, big boy Hyunjin can. Thank you for checking.” 

Jeongin just scoffs, “On a serious note, I know Chan will probably leave, but still. You never know, Hyung. Plus, instead of moping around, you should enjoy your time with him.” 

Hyunjin hates that he’s right. 

He’s just … not ready to move on from the fact that Chan just left. It wasn’t without warning, but he still did. It’s selfish, but Chan made a new family when he brought them together. 

Hyunjin’s probably stupid for thinking Chan would pick their family over his real one. 

“Yeah, right. But I have a feeling he’s gonna come back and act like he wasn’t gone for three years. Like he didn’t just …” he shakes his head, throat closing up.

“Like he didn’t just leave you guys here,” Jeongin can only watch as Hyunjin tries to swallow down his tears, “Like he didn’t just leave you here.”

Hyunjin nods into Jeongin’s hand, now resting on his cheek comfortably. 

Jeongin sighs, dropping his hand and making his way around the counter. He drops down on the stool adjacent to Hyunjin’s, resting his chin on Hyunjin’s shoulder. 

“I’m sorry.” 

Hyunjin turns to face him, smiling forlornly. “Don’t be. I know he didn’t do it to hurt us. That’s the last thing he wants.” 

Jeongin nods in agreement just as they hear the bell jingle once more.

“Am I interrupting something?” 

It’s the voice of Lee Minho, of course. 

Hyunjin cranes his neck to see Minho standing idly by the doorway of the diner.

“No?” Hyunjin chuckles, glancing at Jeongin, whose ears are tinted red.

Minho solely scoffs with a smile, “Good, because I’m here to pick you up. We’re gonna grab ‘Lix and Jisungie from the video store then head home.” 

Hyunjin groans lightly, stretching with his arms above his head. Jeongin giggles, “C’mon, hurry up.” 

The latter just frowns, stretching his arms out to him for a hug. Jeongin is engulfed in a few seconds, Hyunjin’s chin hooked on the top of his head. “Thank you for today. You gonna be okay all alone?”

Jeongin laughs, muffled into his chest. 

“Yes, I’m pretty sure.” he grins, pulling away. 

Hyunjin shoots him one last smile before grabbing his bag off the counter. 

He walks with Minho to their Hyundai Pony, it’s a little jacked up from how recklessly Jisung drives, but they make it work because … frankly, they’re forced to share.

“You know, I’ve been telling you that kid has a bit of a crush on you.” Minho says as he slams the car door shut, making Hyunjin wince. 

“Who? Jeongin?”

Minho deadpans right at him, “Yes, Jeongin. Who else?” 

Hyunjin shakes his head, a laugh bubbling up from his chest. “You’re unbelievable sometimes, Hyung.”

Minho’s gaze flickers from him to the wheel, “He’s into boys, no?” 

Hyunjin sighs a bit defeatedly, “Yes, Hyung, he is. That doesn’t mean he’s into _me._ ”

“You know, I think you’ve got it wrong. I think he’s _just_ into you. Just you, Hyunjin.” 

“Nah, Hyung, seriously. He doesn’t make friends easily. I’m that person for him, you know? It’s nothing more than platonic.”

“Christ, you’re more oblivious than Felix…” 

Hyunjin chokes on his own spit, Minho eyeing him amusedly while backing out of the parking lot. 

“You know about that?!” 

“Doesn't everybody?” he beams when Hyunjin hits his arm lightly. 

“No! I just found out yesterday! Not even yesterday, like, three o’clock this morning.” 

“Damn. I was gonna say something, but I thought you knew.” 

“Well, I didn’t!” he huffs, pouting and turning to look out the window. 

Minho stops at the light, turning to face him.

“You’re so dramatic, Hyunjin-ah,” he says, and even though Hyunjin can’t see him fully, he knows there’s a fond smile on his face.

Hyunjin tries to hide his own.

-

Hyunjin has been dreading this day.

It’s almost funny about how much he’s been trying to avoid it. He distracts himself if the others talk about it, he gives short answers when Minho asks if he wants to come along for the ride to the train station or not. 

They’ve all noticed.

“Knock knock.”

It’s muffled from behind his door, no actual knocks resonating. 

Hyunjin chuckles, “Who’s there?”

“Open the door and you’ll find out, lazy ass.”

Ah, that’s who’s there.

“Come in, Jisung.”

The boy slides in with a bright smile, lips curling into a heart-shape.

Hyunjin scoots over, patting the spot beside him.

“What do you want?”

“Is that any way to talk to the man who provides your energy drinks?” 

“I don’t even drink those that often, Jisungie.”

He rolls his eyes, resting his head on Hyunjin’s shoulder. 

“You don’t want Channie-Hyung to come home, do you?” He sounds uncharacteristically tender. 

“Where’d you get that from?” Hyunjin knows that Jisung isn’t the most observant, but he also knows that he, himself hasn’t been too shy about expressing his displeasure with any conversation about what’s about to come later that day. He’a just playing dumb for the hell of it. 

“No time for humoring you, Hyunjinnie.”

Hyunjin sighs, slumping further down into his bed, Jisung comes sliding down with him.

“I don’t even know. I’m just … I should be happy. I’m trying. You know about everything with hyungs and me. I’m scared. I haven’t seen him in three years.”

Jisung takes his hand, playing with his slender fingers. 

“Exactly. It’s been three years, Jin. Whatever you and hyung had back then isn't anything now. I can’t put it into better words, but … ” Jisung trails off there. 

Hyunjin stays quiet. He knows.

He’s been waiting for somebody to tell him. 

“It’s not even that, Hannie, just,” here come the waterworks, his eyes brimming with tears, throat becoming small once again. 

Jisung just continues to play with his fingers, “We didn’t even have anything it was just- just me,” he manages to get out.

Jisung doesn’t say much else, shifting so Hyunjin can hide his face into his shirt. 

“I hate that he didn’t feel the same. I hate that — that he isn’t here. That he hasn’t been here. ” he mutters into Jisung’s top. He makes an effort to pull away, but Jisung doesn’t let him get far.

“What was I doing- wrong?” hiccups smother his words, fresh tears dripping off his chin.

Jisung sighs as he wipes a few away.

”Nothing. That’s how it is sometimes. You can be on top of the world, beautiful, rich, charming, you can have it all and the person you love may not feel the same. And maybe it’s meant to be that way.” 


	2. watch the clouds float, but only with me

Minho drives. 

They argued that Jisung would steer off the road (Hyunjin wouldn’t put it past him) and that Felix would drive too slowly to  _ enjoy the scenery.  _ And Hyunjin, he doesn’t know how to drive. 

So that was that. 

The ride to the train station seems shorter than all the other times, and Hyunjin swears it’s because the universe has a vendetta against him. 

Currently, he’s standing on the platform next to Minho, while Jisung and Felix are in their own little world not too far from them.

“You excited?” Hyunjin asks, realizing that he hasn’t thought about what’s going through the others’ heads about Chan’s ( and Seungmin’s? ) arrival.

“Eh, yeah. Can't show it though. It’ll boost his ego.” he laughs, and Hyunjin joins in. 

“More curious about the Seungmin guy, though.” he shifts his weight onto his right foot, “He’s your age.” 

_ My age, huh?  _

“Nice.” 

Hyunjin spins around when he hears a loud  _ Smack!  _ somewhere behind him, seeing Jisung flat on his behind with Felix trying to pull him up, giggling like there’s no tomorrow.

He’s focused on them until he hears the noisy train running on the tracks.

Minho glances at him with a tight-lipped smile.

Hyunjin has this sinking feeling in his stomach, his palms just short of being  _ too  _ sweaty, he wipes them on his jeans. 

The train comes to a halt eventually. Then, the train car’s doors open.

His eyes scan the crowd of people for a smaller guy with brown, curly hair, but all he finds is a muscular  _ man  _ with blond, wavy locks. 

_ Dear God. _

“Hyung!” Felix shouts, pushing past the many people who side-eye him, throwing his arms around Chan’s frame. Chan has the same smile, the little dimple and pearly white teeth. 

Minho nudges him to catch his attention, tilting his head in a similar direction to where Felix and Chan were, but a bit over to the left.

There stands a boy with his brown locks styled with a part down the middle, shirt tucked into his jeans. 

That must be Seungmin.

Hyunjin notices his sharp eyes dusted with some sort of shadow, his lips way too shiny to be normal lip balm. 

He’s pretty.

Jisung is right between Felix in line for who gets to smother Chan, Minho seems to be stepping up next.

He stands there awkwardly, shifting his weight on both his feet. What would Chan think about him? Would he still think he’s pretty?

“Hyunjin!” 

Hyunjin meets Chan’s eyes, they’re twinkling just as they used to. 

“Hyung,” he breathes, sizing him up. 

God, Chan is so pretty. 

The elder furrows his brows, extending his arms with a pout, “No hug?” 

Hyunjin chuckles, heart beating a mile-per-minute, casually gravitating towards the latter.

He’s warm. That hasn’t changed. 

He overhears Minho and Jisung already introducing themselves to Seungmin, he figures Felix lags behind. 

“We should get home, no? It’s already getting late. I don’t wanna waste time.” he smiles at Hyunjin sweetly one last time before looking down to his luggage.

“Don’t worry, Hyung, you’ve got the whole summer.” Felix laughs, arm slinging around his shoulder. 

_ The whole summer. _

Nearly three months.

  
  


○ ○ ○

It’s weird, having two new additions to the house. It’s already been settled that Minho and Chan would share a room while Seungmin got Jisung’s. 

Chan used to rotate who he slept with three years ago.

It’s different now.

Hyunjin only learns a bit about Seungmin when they eat dinner.

“Hey Seungmin, are you still in school?” Felix asks with his mouth stuffed full of mushrooms. Minho scolds him, shoving a napkin in his direction. 

Hyunjin looks at him, noticing the way he moves his hand to make it seem like he’s chewing faster. 

“I just finished, actually. I don’t know about university, though. I’ll probably settle down somewhere and … study cosmetology on my own.” 

“Ah! Cosmetology? That’s like .. all that beauty stuff, no?” Jisung’s eager to ask, setting down his fork. 

Seungmin gives a sheepish smile, “Yeah. I'm into all of that. Always have been.” 

Jisung nods with a knowing smile, “Yeah. Same for me with music. I feel like … when you find this one thing you love to do, you  _ know  _ you’re meant to keep doing it. You know?” 

Seungmin looks a bit amused, “Yeah, totally.”

He only realizes he’s staring at the interaction when Chan nudges his arm, silently telling him to eat before his food gets cold. 

He hasn’t heard Jisung speak like that in a while, so sincerely about his music. 

He brushes Hyunjin off when he asks about lyrics, progress, production, anything.

And then he goes and talks about how music has been his passion to Seungmin like it’s nothing.

Hyunjin doesn’t know how to feel about it, so he doesn’t feel anything. 

He just sits quietly and eats.

Hyunjin didn’t introduce himself to Seungmin back at the station, and he doesn’t plan on doing so until he’s forced to. He assumed he’d be past the point immaturity, but that seems to be the route he’s gravitating toward. 

It isn’t until that night when he and Seungmin speak for the first time.

Flipping through the pages of the first book Felix gifted him had always brought back pleasant memories. It was more of a diary, something Felix wrote when he was bored, when he was coming over to Daegu, and even his first weeks at the household. 

Reading about how he thought that Hyunjin had it out for him was amusing, to say the least. 

“Oh— hey.” 

Hyunjin’s eyes flicker from the book to the gentle voice.

He sits there, mind drawing a blank. 

Seungmin shifts on his heels when Hyunjin doesn’t reply, “Sorry … for interrupting. I’m just here to get my bags, I kind of just set them down without thinking. And to say hi, too. We didn’t … really… you know,” he chuckles, nervous.

Hyunjin nods, “Oh, yeah, no problem. I set them off by the closet. Also, yeah. Hi.” 

Seungmin gives him a small smile, retrieving his bags quickly. Hyunjin wills himself to not let his gaze linger for longer than necessary.

He lugs the baggage back to the doorway, leaning against it. 

“Hey. I’m Seungmin, obviously, uh, you're Hyunjin…” he cringes, “Obviously. Sorry. Ignore me.”

Hyunjin laughs to be polite, and because it’s kind of endearing, “Yes, I’m Hyunjin, that’s true. So, uh, how long are you staying?”

Seungmin huffs out a breath, “I don’t know about that,” he has this unusual glint in his eye, “As long as you’ll let me, I guess?”

Hyunjin kind of gets what Jisung’s fuss about this guy is.

“Uh, me?”

“Oh not just you, everybody of course. I don’t wanna overstep.” and just like that, he’s back to normal, smiling and clasping his hands behind his back.

An enigma for sure.

Hyunjin nods, barely registering the shift in atmosphere. 

“Oh right, nice. Well, I know we’re all… very welcoming, and I hope you feel .. welcomed?” 

They lock eyes, and the silence sits heavy in the air.

It’s hard not to laugh a little.

“I’m sorry, I’m not good at formalities. Just know that you can come to me, or anybody else here, if you need anything at all. We’re happy to have you, seriously.” 

Seungmin glows when he smiles, “Thanks. I know it’ll take some time for you to… trust me. And all of that. But, you know.”

Hyunjin would laugh but the way Seungmin is grinning at him like he just made his night has him distracted. 

“Yeah, I know. Thanks.” 

Seungmin gives a last tight-lipped smile, “Well, I’m gonna go. See you tomorrow? Yeah. Of course. We literally live together..” he mutters with finality.

Hyunjin chews the inside of his cheek. He likes talking to Seungmin already. Those two minutes felt like.. nothing. 

Impulsivity would be the death of him.

“Oh! And Seungmin,” he starts, the latter’s head peeking back into frame.

“Yeah?”

“Uh, If your room gets too hot you could always come sleep with me.”

_ What the fuck. Oh my god. _

“Uh,” the way Seungmin chuckles awkwardly and purses his lips makes Hyunjin wish that the ground would swallow him whole.

“I mean, like, on the floor. Or you could take my bed, and I could sleep on the floor. Yeah, that. The room doesn’t have … any air conditioning, just a really horrible fan.” 

“Oh,” Hyunjin wants to sob when Seungmin  _ still  _ tries to smile, “Thanks. I was planning on wearing long-sleeves, would’ve been screwed.” 

Hyunjin nods one last time before Seungmin shuts his door with a small  _ click. _

That was weird. 

Right? 

He stands abruptly to look in the mirror, his ears unmistakably red. A hand coming over his mouth, he feels heat making its way up his neck. 

He flops down on his bed, a loud squeak accommodating him. 

Huffing, he buries his face in his pillow and leaves whatever  _ that _ was _ ,  _ at that.

  
  


○ ○ ○

Waking up to an empty house isn’t anything new to Hyunjin. 

With the other boys always up and doing something, it’s inevitable that he’ll be left alone once and awhile. A blessing in disguise, he thinks, because while he loves his housemates dearly, occasional alone time is one of his basic needs. 

Getting out of bed is a chore, he lets himself doze off to sleep after considering yesterday’s events, and considering the fact he needs to face Seungmin after his bold statement yesterday.

God, he’s stupid.

All of his avoidance proves to be of no use when he finds the house empty while wandering down the stairs sleepily. There’s a note on the refrigerator, Chan’s handwriting,  _ Just you and Seungmin today. Take him around town! We got up early to go to run errands, didn’t wanna wake you up :( have fun !!!  _

How Chan knew he’d wake up before Seungmin was beyond him, but he’s thankful that he’s the early bird. 

With just a glance out the window, he can tell it isn’t as hot as it was the day prior, but the sun still shines bright and hot, casting down through the field ahead prettily. 

Maybe he  _ will  _ take Seungmin out today.

His initial intention was to crumble the note and cast it to the depths of hell, ( the garbage can ) but pretty flowers and blue skies awakened something within him. 

After some internal-debating, he decides to pull up some shorts and a loose shirt, knocking thrice on Seungmin’s door. 

The door pulls open with a fully-dressed Seungmin, pretty in overalls and accessorized with a wristlet, leaning against the door and smiling tightly at the latter. 

“Morning. You need something?”

Hyunjin blinks.

“You’ve been up?” 

“Yeah. Since nine.”

Hyunjin just checked the time, it was around eleven.

“You didn’t go out with the others?” 

“Nope. They left as soon as I woke up, I think.” 

Hyunjin huffs a laugh, “Well thankfully you have something to fill your time. You’re coming bike-riding with me.”

“Bike-riding?”

“Yeah.” Hyunjin frowns. “Is that a problem?”

“Oh no, just .. isn’t it too hot for that?”

“Well pick, sit here all day and do nothing or .. come with me and have fun.” 

“Fine... So, I’ll be down in a few minutes? Just need to do something first.”

“Sure.” 

  
  


○ ○ ○

“God  _ fuck,  _ why is it so hot?”

It’s about the fourth time Seungmin complains while they’re lugging their bikes ( well, Jisung’s bike, Seungmin argued that it was impossible to fit a bicycle in his bags ) up the monstrous hill that leads them to the main road, much to Seungmin’s displeasure.

_ “Isn’t there like a back road or something?”  _

_ “Nah, only for cars. There’s cops there. They don’t like us  _ meddling kids with bikes  _ through those ones.”  _

Hyunjin wouldn’t say he’s  _ sick _ of hearing the little birdie behind him whine about the heat, but .. that’s exactly what he’s saying.

He grips the bike handle tight, walking beside it, nonchalant. But if Seungmin opens his mouth one more time—

“I should’ve worn a tank-”

_ That’s it. _

“Do you wanna go back?” he snaps, facing the latter, his bike discarded on the hot concrete.

Seungmin blinks at him like a fish out of water.

“What?”

“ _ I asked,  _ do you wanna turn around? Not like we made it very far anyway.” he doesn’t mean to sound so bitter, but he’s far too done with the complaints and his scalp is  _ burning,  _ and all he wants to do is ride his bike under the trees, in the cool shade. 

“Why are you being an ass?” and  _ that’s _ not what Hyunjin expected at all, “I’m sorry I’m not used to this weather, I guess.” Seungmin’s bike drops, his arms folded against his chest.

Hyunjin wants to drop it, say _ just forget it _ and move on. It was stupid opening his mouth in the first place, half of him expected Seungmin to shut up and  _ suck it up,  _ and the other half expected Seungmin to frown and for his eyes to get watery, apologizing profusely. He just looks like that type of person, soft and sensitive.

Now that he’s got the latter’s defending himself, he’s got  _ that  _ to deal with too.

Damn. Maybe Hyunjin is an ass.

He sighs, “Look man, I’m just trying to get us to where we need to be. I can't do that when—”

“When what? When I’m being a burden?”

Hyunjin’s mouth snaps shut.

Well, yeah. 

Seungmin almost looks satisfied, but there are undertones of bitterness laced in between somewhere. 

“Okay, I get it. I’ll stop bitching about it, that’s my fault. But raise your voice at me again and you go tumbling right down this hill.” Seungmin says, and Hyunjin feels kind of sick at how he doesn’t even seem phased. 

Also at how he doesn’t seem to be kidding. 

And with that, Seungmin huffs, chin up towards the sky, and only now is when Hyunjin sees how red his neck is. He doesn’t notice Hyunjin’s staring, continuing his stretching and picking Jisung’s bike up, now looking at Hyunjin expectantly. 

“Your neck..” Hyunjin is able to mutter out. 

“What?”

Hyunjin bites the inside of his cheek, “Nothing.”

Seungmin huffs once more, annoyance radiating off of him, “Okay, are you gonna lead the way or not?” 

Hyunjin nods wordlessly, reaching for his bike.

They walk the rest of the way quite peacefully. Just occasionally stop for Seungmin to get a drink of water stored in the little front basket of Jisung’s bike, but aside from that there’s no conversation.

Hyunjin kind of feels like a dick. 

He’s not so irrational usually, he’s the nice guy, always welcoming and warm. He blames it on the weather, but subconsciously, he knows it’s something else. 

He just doesn’t know  _ what.  _

Whatever. Not his problem to deal with right now.

Before they know it, they’re at the main roads, little shops lining up on the right side, and trees with humongous leaves protecting the road from the powerful sun.

Hyunjin’s busted, to be honest. He was all big talk about how he almost always climbs the hill for work when none of the others are there to drive him, but he seemed to forget how torturous it was in the summer heat. 

Thankfully, Hyejoo and Jinsoul’s shop is to their far corner,  _ with properly working fans,  _ and loads of energy drinks. (Plus water, if Seungmin isn’t into unhealthy intakes of sugar.) 

Cars zoom past as they enter the store, but all Hyunjin can think about is how nice the cool air feels against his sweaty skin. 

Seungmin seems relieved, too, having nearly pushed the bike to the ground once the door first opened.

“Hyunjin! Nice to see you.” It’s Hyejoo who’s working the morning shift today, her smile subtle.

“Hey, Hye. Jisung been up here lately?”

“Nope, not for a good two weeks from what Jinsoul’s told me. Was wondering where he went.”

Hyunjin smiles, “Well, to ease your worries, he’s fine. Just caught up with a new relationship.”

“Jisung? Dating?” Her jaw goes slack, “I pray for that girl. He’s a handful.”

_ Girl.  _ Hyunjin pauses.  _ Right… _

He chuckles to prevent any questions from being asked, “Yeah.. uh, anyway, just one  _ Jolt _ berry flavor, thanks. Uh, Seungmin,” he spins around, finding the other plopping a squat on the floor.

The latter looks up at him, “Hm?”

“You want anything? They have other drinks too, soda, water, tea? You guys have tea right—”

“I’m fine, thanks.”

_ Oh,  _ Hyunjin doesn’t want to frown, but he thought Seungmin got over what he said back at the hill.

Apparently not.

He shakes it off, turning back to Hyejoo, who’s looking past him to Seungmin.

He doesn’t notice, too busy staring at the patterns of the tile on the floor, but Hyunjin definitely notices.

“What? Got the hots for him or something?” 

Hyejoo startles, “Are you insane?”

Hyunjin shrugs,  _ maybe just a little bit. _

“No, I don’t like your friend. I’ve just never seen him around. Or heard that name …  _ Seungmin.  _ Call me crazy but I like to think I know all of your friends.”

“You do know all of my friends.”

“So how come I don’t know this one?”

Hyunjin takes the bottle she places on the counter while she rings him up, “Moved in yesterday.”

She pauses, “Yesterday? And you’re already up and about, taking him out on dates?”

He glares at her, only earning a cheeky smile, “I’m just teasing. So that means .. He’s taking Chan-ssi’s place?” 

“Uh, no..” Hyunjin captures his bottom lip between his teeth, “Hyung’s back too.”

Hyejoo grins at him, “Well then, I’m glad. Didn’t feel right seeing you guys hang without him. Oh, 3000 won for the drink, please. Love you, but we’ve got families to feed.”

Hyunjin shakes his head with a small smile, “No worries. Anyway, I’ve gotta run.”

She waves goodbye, and with that Hyunjin’s telling Seungmin to get off the floor. 

“That your girlfriend or something?” 

… is the first thing Seungmin says once they’re back outside. 

Hyunjin, just trying to drink his booster peacefully,  _ chokes. _

“Fuck, what?” he says between coughs, “You’re kidding—right?”

Seungmin pats his back roughly, “Stop talking while you’re choking!”

“I’m fine,” he still has some muffled gags, but he’ll

live.

“No, she isnt my girlfriend,” what he says next irks him a bit, “she’s single if that’s what you’re asking.”

Seungmin scoffs, “As if. I don’t even know her. She’s pretty, but I don’t know her like you do.”

Hyunjin’s eyes go wider, “Are you insinuating that I’m somehow your  _ competition _ ?”

“Hyunjin, no! Fine, let me break it down since your little, minuscule brain can’t understand me,” he huffs, “I’m not interested in Hye— whatever her name is. Now please stop interrogating me and let’s  _ go. _ ”

_Minuscule brain .._ _yeah, that hurts a bit more than he wants to admit._ Hyunjin goes quiet. _It’s stupid._

Seungmin has this weird look on his face when Hyunjin glances at him, his eyebrows are furrowed and his lips are pursed. 

“Fine. Let’s go.” is all he mumbles out before setting off, not looking back to see if Seungmin’s behind him.

Screw him honestly,  _ minuscule brain _ , Hyunjin doesn’t have a minuscule brain! 

Actually,

no, no, he might. 

He’s real stupid if he thought Seungmin would be as nice as he first appeared. 

Everybody’s nice to a pretty face. 

At first. 

  
  


○ ○ ○

The sun is still high later into the afternoon, as they sit on top of the scorching sand, water not too far away from them. 

They got tired of riding around, and it’s way less fun when Hyunjin isn’t blabbing about how  _ the village isn’t such a bad place! We make the most of it.  _

So, Hyunjin came to the last place he knew. The rocks were hard to get down from, burning their feet each time, the sand just as equally scorching, the water swaying back and forth gently.

“Hey,” Seungmin says suddenly, legs folded neatly.

Hyunjin just hums, the ache in his chest from earlier never seemed to fade. 

“I’m sorry. For upsetting you. I don’t know what I said, but at one point you just got .. too quiet. And I thought I’d like you better with your mouth shut, but turns out that I don’t.” 

Hyunjin chuckles dryly, “Who said I’m upset?” 

He really hates that he’s being so negative.

Just … something about insulting his intelligence even if it  _ wasn’t  _ serious bothers him. And then guilt washed over when he realized he made a scene for nearly nothing, and now he’s dwelling on everything he said to Seungmin back at the hill and god, he’s just  _ such _ a mess right now. 

Seungmin sighs, a silent plea,  _ work with me here. _

Hyunjin finally lets up.

“I accept your apology, it was dumb anyway. I swear I’m not usually this … horrible to be around.” his chest tightens, “And I'm sorry for being an ass earlier. You don’t have to forgive me, but just know that I’ve been trying to find a way to say sorry because … it was a real dick move. I’m sorry.”

Seungmin doesn’t say anything for awhile, and Hyunjin can’t blame him. 

“Don't do that.”

“Huh?”

“Talk down on yourself like that.  _ Horrible to be around?  _ You didn’t have to take me anywhere today, you know.”

“Yeah, but … It’s barely day one and I feel like you hate me.”

Seungmin full-on chuckles, “I don’t hate you.” he says, picking up a rock and attempting to skip it across the water. 

Hyunjin tries to smile.

“Can you tell me what upset you? Of course, if it’s too personal then .. you know. But I just want to know so I don’t fuck up again.”

Hyunjin hesitates. 

He’s not one to open up so easily, unless it’s Jeongin, probably, but he doesn’t have a proper outlet at the moment and any second left of feeling this crappy will take a toll on him.

It’s just him and Seungmin right now. 

He could say  _ no, it’s fine, don’t worry about it.  _ But he doesn’t. 

“You're gonna laugh,” he starts, “it’s just .. I’ve gone my whole life, since I was younger, talking down on everything about me. I was too dumb for my good, always got just  _ okay  _ grades before I dropped out of school.” he sighs,  _ he shouldn’t be telling these things to a practical stranger.  _

“And that became my personality. Let people talk down on me, and talk down on myself. Let people tell me how pretty my face is, and let them call me the dumbest whore they’ve ever known behind my back. I was thirteen. Hadn’t kissed anybody in my life.” 

“I don’t know,” he finally shrugs, “You saying some dumb shit you didn’t even mean just brought back memories.”

Seungmin isn’t laughing. 

He’s sitting there, no pity in his eyes, but something similar to regret.

He doesn’t say sorry, because it’s not like he could turn back time and defend Hyunjin. 

“Well, if I'm gonna teach you anything in my time here, it’s that you shouldn’t let people walk all over you.” he smiles, it’s the same smile from last night, and Hyunjin can say that he’s still the same amount of fascinated. 

“I’ve learned. Kind of.”

“If it makes you feel any better,” Seungmin pauses to scooch closer to the latter, “I used to be an absolute  _ crybaby.  _ Some dumbass told me I looked like a nerd in sixth-year and I sobbed my heart out in the bathroom.”

It makes Hyunjin chuckle, imagining 12 year-old Seungmin’s face buried in his hands as he hiccups over such a little thing.

“Then I suddenly got hot back in like, maybe eleventh-year? Everybody was at my mercy.”

“Who said you were hot?”

Seungmin playfully glares at him, “I didn’t need to be told,” a smile breaking out soon after. 

“Seriously? I doubt nobody’s ever told you. Because you are actually really pretty.” 

_ What.  _

Seungmin’s breath catches in his throat, Hyunjin can hear it, and  _ God  _ he hopes he didn’t just fuck up after they went through all of that to be ‘friends’ again. 

“Thank you. Uh, you still have that energy drink?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, here.”

Hyunjin’s just going to pretend he doesn’t notice how quickly the topic was changed.

“I think we made some progress here today.” Seungmin lips quirk, hand coming up to pat Hyunjin’s shoulder.

The ache in Hyunjin’s chest is gone, and now he’s filled with .. a content feeling. It’s nice. 

“Yeah. Fuck, how did we start off as enemies instead of friends?” he laughs first, then Seungmin joins him, then suddenly they’re laughing at .. seemingly nothing. 

Hyunjin feels light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it’s been rly fun writing this so far , i hope all of you are enjoying : )


	3. can i keep you as my secret, even in this big world?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hbd to jeongin ! i didn’t even realize how much we see of him in this chapter but it works out :)

Three weeks into Seungmin and Chan’s visit (or stay?) and Hyunjin still doesn’t know where he stands with all of this. 

“So, Chan-hyung,” Jisung starts, one night at the dinner table, “you’ve been here for more than two weeks and you still haven’t said anything about how living in Goyang has been.” 

Minho hums in agreement, rushing to get his food down, “He’s right. We’ve heard lots about Seungmin. What about you? How’s Goyang been?”

Chan sighs good-naturedly, “Ah, sorry. I haven’t done it on purpose. Just caught up with being here again.” 

Hyunjin can’t blame him. He’s been caught up with Chan being back, too.

“I guess it’s been okay? Met Seungmin, that was definitely a highlight of the past three years.” he pauses to shoot a smile to said boy, reaching over to ruffle his hair. 

“Besides from that, work has been normal, mom and dad got their vows renewed! That’s… really it.”

“Hm, that’s not what I’ve heard.” Felix speaks up, and from the weary glance Chan gives him, Hyunjin can tell there’s more to Chan’s story than just his nine-to-five job. 

“Ooh, drama, do share.” Jisung says, setting his fork down with a mischievous grin. 

“Mm, well, I’ve heard some talk about a certain noona who works with you, but don’t take my word for it.”

_ Ah, so that’s what this is all about.  _

“Oh,” Chan laughs nervously, “About that…”

Jisung groans, impatient. “Spit it out, hyung.” 

Chan gives him a glare, “Fine. I asked Jihyo-noona out.” 

A singular cheer erupts from Jisung, who quiets down when nobody cared to join him. 

“Did she even say yes?”

Hyunjin almost shivers as they all simultaneously turn to turn to glance at him. 

Nobody says anything, just tearing their gaze away and back to Chan, who says, “Yeah, actually, she did.” 

“That’s great, hyung, I’m happy for you.” Minho smiles, lips quickly morphing into a smirk, “So how’d the date go? Did it lead to anything more? 

Chan scoffs, “Relax, nothing of that sort happened. She’s really sweet, always trying to get me to work less and arguing that she’s older than me, so she can tell me what to do—”

“Okay, alright, we get it, you’re in love with her.” Seungmin says lightheartedly, but it’s seemingly the wrong thing to say from the way the others fall silent. Hyunjin’s eyes flicker to meet Seungmin’s for a brief second, and he looks a bit panicked.

Hyunjin tries to smile, but musters up nothing of the sort. He just leaves it be.

“Are you, hyung?” 

Hyunjin isn’t sure who asks it, because before he can even process the question, Chan is smiling uncontrollably, a shy laugh bubbling from his throat, “I think so. It’s been.. a year since the first date? I don’t know if she wants to label it, but she’s incredible and honestly, just having her within reach is enough.” 

They all seem to simultaneously coo at him, Felix even reaching to give him a gentle pat on his shoulder, “That’s really cute, hyung. We’re glad you have her.”

Chan just gives Felix an endeared sigh, “Thank you, guys, seriously. I hope you’ll get to meet her one day.”

_ Yeah,  _ Hyunjin shakes his head more to himself,  _ I sure hope so too..  _

-

It doesn’t take long before somebody comes knocking on his door. He figures it’s Minho, coming to scold him for his snarky remark earlier,  _ Did she even say yes?  _

He  _ really  _ doesn’t feel like talking about it. 

“Go away, hyung! I'm getting off!”

Minho doesn’t answer, which is unusual, because he’d usually laugh and walk away by then. No sound of footsteps, either. Creepy. 

Hyunjin’s brows furrow before he gets up, swinging the door open. 

Seungmin is standing there, blinking back at him.

“Oh.”

His blood runs cold at the lack of any amusement on the latter’s face. 

“Yeah.. uh, you're not actually—”

“No! You think I’d open the door if I was?!”

“I don’t know?!”

Hyunjin sighs, hands coming up to cover his face, “Just… forget that happened. Do you need something?” 

Seungmin frowns, visibly more relaxed, “What, I can’t bond with my best friend?”

Hyunjin just chuckles, moving aside to let him in. He wouldn’t call Seungmin his  _ best friend _ , that’s reserved for Jisung, but he can’t claim that he and Seungmin haven’t grown any closer since their short biking trip.

They sit next to each other when they watch movies, Seungmin’s always finding a way to tease him. (Hyunjin knows he isn’t special from the way Seungmin always has something to say to Minho, too.) He’s made himself comfortable at home, and Hyunjin can say he enjoys seeing Seungmin so happy. 

“Since when are we best friends?”

Seungmin gives him a small pout, pitching up his voice an octave, “Since little Hyunjinnie confessed all his deepest, darkest insecurities to me by the seaside, when else?” 

Hyunjin rolls his eyes and shoves him onto the bed, flopping down next to him, “You're annoying. That was a one time thing.” 

Seungmin huffs a laugh, “Sure it was.” 

They lay there for a while, Hyunjin remembers the first time he and Seungmin laid on his bed together, when Seungmin had mumbled something like  _ I can draw little constellations with the dots on your ceiling.  _

Hyunjin asked what constellations were, he assumed something close to stars, and Seungmin turned over to face him, smile so bright, starting to go on and on about how constellations were the prettiest things he’s ever seen. Hyunjin was more caught up in how fascinated Seungmin was rather than the actual constellations themselves. 

“Hey, I have a question.”

“Go for it.”

Seungmin purses his lips, “Do you seriously have a problem with noona?” he asks. Hyunjin’s thankful he doesn’t say anything other than that, how he doesn’t go on about how she's a wonderful woman, how her and Chan fit together like puzzle pieces. 

He’s heard it all too much from the others. He’d like to form his own opinion without having this picture-perfect image of Jihyo shoved down this throat,  _ thank you very much.  _

“Who said I have a problem with her?”

“You don’t have to say it. Everybody just picked up on it, I guess. Plus, I overheard Jisung and Felix saying something about it, so there isn’t a reason to lie.”

Hyunjin feels a rough pang in his chest, panic rushing through his veins, leading straight to his heart. 

God forbid Seungmin overheard something about him  _ not  _ being straight. 

“What— What exactly did you hear?” it’s has him sitting up, putting all his weight on his elbows.

Seungmin doesn't even spare him a glance, just continuing to trace the imaginary stars, unbothered, “Something about you being jealous and how it’s too complicated. I didn’t ask about it since they stopped talking as soon as I stepped into the kitchen. I figured I’m not really supposed to know.” 

“So you came to ask me instead?”

Seungmin’s gaze on his ceiling finally falters, so does his stray hand in the air, turning slightly to meet Hyunjin’s eyes, “Yeah, kinda. If that’s okay.”

Hyunjin gives him a tense smile, dropping back on to the bed without the weight on his elbows to hold him up, “It’s okay. Just, if you’re uncomfortable, remember that you can leave.”

It pains Hyunjin to say it, especially with the way Seungmin’s looking at him, so carefully, like Hyunjin’s so fragile and  _ sensitive _ .

It’s the way he’s asking to get to know him better like he’s obligated to, when he could’ve just asked unwarranted. 

It’s also the way Seungmin’s laying there, surfing a wave with Hyunjin right by his side like they’ve been friends since forever.

He takes more of a liking to Seungmin more than he thought. 

The mere possibility of losing him already makes him queasy. 

“Got it.”

“I’m not gonna tell you the full story, but just… listen to what I’m saying right now.”

Hyunjin inhales deeply, “Chan-Hyung and I have a weird relationship.” 

Seungmin doesn’t say anything for a moment, and Hyunjin’s quick to start panicking— before Seungmin turns over on his side fully, tapping Hyunjin’s shoulder for him to do the same. 

He does with some hesitance, nerves calming a bit.

“Were you two like… something? Before he moved?” Seungmin’s voice is boiled down to a whisper, like it’s a secret, which it is, but like it’s  _ their  _ secret. 

Like nobody else in the entire world knows. 

Hyunjin captures his bottom lip with his teeth, shaking his head. “Not really. It was more… one-sided, you know?”

He watches as realization dawns on Seungmin’s face, a frown slowly forming on his pink lips. 

Seungmin doesn’t apologize unnecessarily, that’s one thing he’s learned about the latter. Hyunjin likes that about him. It gives more meaning to the phrase when he actually does say it, like right about now.

“I’m sorry about that. Especially with how freely and… passionately he talks about her.”

Hyunjin takes it for what it’s worth. Chan doesn’t mean any harm by talking about her, gosh, he doesn’t even know Hyunjin has a  _ thing  _ for him. Has? Had? Whichever one it is, Chan doesn’t know about it. 

“Hey, no, it’s fine. It’s not like I’m  _ sad  _ about it. It just sucks that I never got a chance because all I am to him is a sibling figure.” 

Plus, Chan isn't into guys whatsoever, but he leaves that part out. 

Seungmin hums. 

He could easily lie to Hyunjin, say something along the lines of  _ No, there’s still hope!  _ or  _ You don’t know that, he might be interested.  _ like Felix and Jisung usually do. 

He doesn’t, though. And while Felix and Jisung are great friends, bless them, it’s nice to not be lied to. 

“Do you still have feelings for him?”

It comes off as blunt, like Seungmin usually does. 

Does he still have feelings for Chan? All this time that he’s been back, Hyunjin hasn’t felt the sweet stutter in his heart  _ too  _ often, just bitterness and unwarranted jealousy. 

He wouldn’t consider that a romantic type of feeling.

“I don’t know.”

It’s a good enough answer, because Seungmin is giving him a tight-lipped smile. 

It’s a small bit of reassurance, a silent  _ I don’t think it’s weird that you like boys.  _

Hyunjin reaches for his hand on impulse, not considering it could make Seungmin uncomfortable. 

The feeling of Seungmin flinching back from the subtle touch burns. 

“Sorry—”

Seungmin shakes his head, grabbing his hand tighter this time, not letting it slip from his grasp, “No, it was just… your hands are cold.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

It’s unfamiliar, Seungmin’s hand in his own, the feeling of body heat transferring by the second, his palm going from ice cold to slightly sticky and warm. 

“You know, I used to have feelings for this boy when I was little.” 

Oh. 

_ You know, I used to have feelings for this boy when I was little. _ It plays like a broken record in Hyunjin’s head, on a steady loop.

He can’t help but break out into a huge smile, which is returned by Seungmin, just a little smaller. 

It’s the first time he’s heard somebody so  _ open  _ about it, the first time has come out and said so bluntly  _ I liked a boy. _

It’s comforting.

“Oh, really? What was he like? What happened?” he knows he sounds too eager, but he doesn’t care enough to mask it, just sitting up a bit and looking down at Seungmin with bright eyes. 

“Well, for starters, he didn’t like boys. But, uh, he was really kind and considerate. Knew how to skate, too. I thought he was the best person ever. He always helped me study and stuff, motivated me, you know?”

Hyunjin didn’t know, but he nodded nonetheless.

“Yeah. Turns out he was just an asshole. He ratted me out to my parents after I confessed.” 

Hyunjin’s face falls, his heart sinking to his stomach. 

“He… what?” 

Seungmin shrugs, pulling his hand away from Hyunjin’s momentarily to wipe off the sweat. 

“Don’t worry. They weren’t too mad. Just made me stay with the only aunt that would still take me in.”

“Is that how Chan-Hyung found you?”

Seungmin nods, “Yeah. He was a regular at the laundromat I used to work at. We got to know each other, and one day he just decided that I should come stay here.”

Hyunjin stops in his tracks, “This sounds recent, Seungmin..”

Seungmin stays quiet, breaking any sort of eye contact they held at the moment.

From that alone, Hyunjin decides it’s best if he doesn’t press any further. 

It becomes uncomfortable fast, Hyunjin just laying there as Seungmin focuses on anything but him. 

“Can I hug you?” he asks suddenly, in efforts to ease the dawn of tension. 

Seungmin finally looks back at him once more, extending his arms out. Hyunjin takes the initiative to nuzzle his face into the latter’s chest, arms wrapping around each other.

“I’m sorry that happened to you.” it’s muffled into Seungmin’s loose t-shirt, making the latter chuckle.

“It’s… okay. But at least I’m here now. I feel at home here.” 

Hyunjin hums. 

“Do you know about Felix and Jisung?” he asks after some time, head coming up from where it had been resting before. He can see Seungmin more clearly now, how his thin eyebrows furrow in confusion. 

Hyunjin giggles softly, “They’re… something. I don’t know what, but if you ever wanna make a move on Jisung… don’t. Unless you  _ want  _ to be eaten alive.”

“Why would I ever want to make a move on Jisung?”

Hyunjin frowns, “Oh— no, just, you guys are close. So, I just figured..”

Seungmin chuckles, patting his head back down to lay on his chest, “You figured wrong. We’re just friends.” 

Hyunjin hums noncommittally. 

They stay like that for a while, and at one point he feels himself slowly give in to the heavy feeling of his droopy eyes, even as Seungmin continues to talk to him about who knows what. 

He tries to be attentive, but Seungmin wills him to just sleep, says that they’ll talk tomorrow, so Hyunjin gives in. He falls asleep with a smile, never pulling away from Seungmin despite how his clothes cling to his skin from the heat. 

Seungmin doesn't pull away either, if that counts for anything. 

-

Seungmin doesn't hate him.

Right?

Hyunjin wouldn't know.

It seems as if since that day, whatever magnetic force that pulled them together snapped in half. Hyunjin made an effort to speak with him, knocking on his door at ungodly hours of the morning— when they both should’ve been sleeping. It goes the same way each time. 

Hyunjin knocks on his door, Seungmin opens it, always, despite how deep the circles under his eyes are, and they wordlessly flop down on the bed, limbs tangled. It’s peaceful, with the summer’s moonlight shining through the window and beaming off of Seungmin’s high cheekbones.

But, the aforementioned concept is that it always goes the same way.

Hyunjin wakes up with nothing, no note, no parting gift, just an empty bed with a pillow in his arms instead of Seungmin. 

He doesn’t know how to feel about it.

No normal friend would complain, but something unfamiliar curls in his stomach when he wakes up alone, even though he’s used to it by now. 

The worst part is… Seungmin comes home with a beaming smile that seems to grow wider each day, never addressing why he leaves Hyunjin on the back burner every morning. 

Yet Hyunjin doesn’t say anything, because Seungmin’s smile is worth so much.

He doesn’t think he’s  _ that  _ down about it. He’s got a life outside of his and Seungmin’s little world up in their bedrooms. He’s been hanging out with Jeongin some more, after work, just because it’s not like anybody’s home to keep him company. 

Apparently he’s more messed up about it than he initially thought. 

“I’ve got no games for my game boy..” Jisung says, laying across Minho’s chest on Hyunjin’s bedroom floor, Felix’s head resting in his lap.

“We can go get some later…” Felix mumbles sleepily, tucking his chin over Jisung’s knee.

“The game store is never open on the days we’re off! And  _ you’re  _ never around to go with me.”

“Just let me take you, then.” Minho buts in, reaching over to smooth Jisung’s hair down.

Jisung groans, “I don’t wanna go with  _ you..” _

It earns him a snort and a smack on the shoulder, the three of them fading into quiet giggles and muted laughs.

Hyunjin’s on the bed, peering down at them. 

He feels kind of left out, watching how the three of them slot together easily. There’s no room for him.

Maybe he should go knock on Jeongin’s door a few houses down. 

Somebody calling his name startles him. 

Hyunjin flinches, “Hm?” 

Jisung frowns, “What’s up with you? You’ve been so out of it lately.”

Hyunjin shrugs, “Nothing, I don’t think. I’m fine.”

Minho hums, sitting up, “This is a weird type of  _ fine  _ for Hwang Hyunjin, don’t you think?”

Hyunjin scoffs, “What does that mean?”

“Nothing! It’s just… you’re not yourself.”

“I’m sorry?” He chuckles dryly. 

He doesn’t know what they expect him to say,  _ I’m sorry I’ve been such a downer! I’m really worried that my… my… my what? My Seungmin? My Seungmin hates me?  _

What was Seungmin to him?

A friend? 

Sure didn’t feel like it. 

Whatever. That wasn’t a topic for today’s discussion. 

Minho and Jisung share a look, and his irritation worsens, somehow. 

“I swear I’m fine! I don’t know what’s wrong with me not being chipper all the time—”

“We never said that!” 

“You’re blowing it of proportion, ‘Jinnie.”

Of course he was. 

He doesn't say anything, fidgeting with his fingers. Jisung and Minho drop it, suddenly finding a sleeping Felix quite interesting. 

When he finally thinks he has time to take a breather, a knock comes from the door. Whoever it is doesn't wait for any sort of approval to enter, the door creaking open slightly. 

“Seungmin!” Jisung says in an enthusiastic whisper-yell, shooting him a smile.

“Hi.” he says shortly, taking a seat next to Hyunjin at the edge of the bed. Hyunjin tries to pay him no mind, like before, when all of this wasn’t so complicated.

Maybe it wasn’t so complicated. Hyunjin always had a name for making things harder than they needed to be. 

“Hey, you.” Seungmin nudged him, a boyish smile on his face, contrasting the pretty pink dusting his cheeks.

_ He’s so pretty.  _

Hyunjin can’t help but light up, despite all his effort to 

keep it nonchalant. “Hi. You look nice today.” 

Seungmin whines, head coming down to hide between Hyunjin’s neck and his shoulder, “Don’t look… Today was rough, half of it came off.” 

“Stop,” he protests softly, bringing the latter’s head back up with his pointer finger. “You look really nice.”

Seungmin looks like he doesn’t know what to say. Hyunjin just gives him a tiny smile, eyes drifting to his lips, where there was a bit of excess lip gloss running off to his chin. 

He didn’t make a move to wipe it. Seungmin looked… there weren't words to describe it. Wiping it off felt wrong, like he was ruining something, even if the small smudge wasn’t intentional. 

“ _ Anyway _ , I’m gonna take ‘Lix to our room.”

“You’re leaving me here with the two of them?!” Minho groans, hands coming up to cover his face in exaggerated grimace. 

“Sorry. Duty calls.” Jisung grins, anything but apologetic, attempting to pick Felix up. 

With some struggle, a few moments of muted laughter later, they make it out the door successfully. 

“I’m going too. Chan-hyung told me to meet with him for dinner.”

“Wait, just you? Why didn’t he ask us?”

“He doesn’t like you two.” he snorts, and with that, the door slams shut.

Seungmin purses his lips, “That was rude.”

“Mm, you have me to make up for it.” 

Hyunjin doesn’t hesitate to envelope the other boy in his arms, flinging them back onto the pillows.

“Where’ve you been lately?” Hyunjin can't help himself from asking about it, because this is the first time in what feels like ages that he thinks he has Seungmin in a tight enough hold to not let him slip through his fingers. 

“I’ve been going to the library and coming back home.” he mumbles into Hyunjin’s hair, hand wrapped around his torso.

“You come home with a big smile everyday. I don’t think books make you  _ that  _ happy.”

“Don’t say that! Books can make me happy..”

Hyunjin chuckles, “I guess. But it’s not that, is it?”

Seungmin sighs, “No. The thing is, okay, promise not to judge?” he asks, pulling away to sit up against the headboard. 

Hyunjin nods attentively, scooting up to rest his chin on the latter’s chest. 

“There’s this guy I met a week or so ago, at the library.” 

Hyunjin pauses. 

A guy? 

“Okay… where’re you going with this?”

Seungmin rolls his eyes, “Don't look at me like that! It’s nothing romantic or anything. He’s straight. But… straight enough to a weirdly flexible point?” 

Hyunjin continues to look at him expectantly, and finally he lets up. 

“Look, he’s nice, nice enough to ask me out to some fair? Carnival? End of July thing, in two weeks. I don’t know why he asked so far ahead, but, I don’t know if I should go.” 

His chest aches for whatever reason. He thinks Seungmin has a special type of poison laced in his fingers, in his words, in his  _ everything,  _ because Hyunjin really shouldn’t be feeling this hot and bothered by something that shouldn’t be affecting him… at all. 

“Well,” Hyunjin shifts, pulling away slightly, “Do whatever you feel is best. I can't judge since I haven’t met him, but you can.”

“I guess. Are you going?”

_ Is he going?  _ Like he  _ has  _ somebody to go with. 

“Uh, I don’t know yet. I have plans with somebody.”

_ Plans with somebody? Yeah… right.  _

From the way Seungmin shrinks, Hyunjin wants to abandon the lie, tell Seungmin that he’ll go with him and his… date? Friend? Whoever that guy was to him. 

He keeps quiet. The past few weeks of seeing Seungmin slowly drift away ( when Hyunjin barely had him to himself for nearly a few days ) have been tortuous. Hyunjin knows he would go to certain extents to make Seungmin happy.

But yeah, he thinks it’s better if he skips out on this one. 

However, what Hyunjin thinks is not what he follows through with most of the time. 

Here he is, standing at the gate at the choppy downtown park, slushie in one hand and fingers on the other linked with Jeongin’s. 

“Do you see them yet?” Jeongin asks, guiding Hyunjin’s hand with the icy drink to his lips.

“Nope…” he sighs, flicking his wrist only to realize he doesn’t have a watch.

Jeongin chuckles at his impatience, “We could go in if you want. They’ll meet us at the bathrooms—”

Hyunjin quiets him down by holding the straw to his lips once more. His original plan was… wickedly mischievous in his opinion, and while pride came with his elaboration, he felt bad.

Seungmin probably trusted Hyunjin more than to bring a date along to compete with him _._ Competing for what? Hyunjin doesn’t know. 

“I’m hungry..” Jeongin, bless his kind soul for coming along with Hyunjin, would not shut up. 

“We’ll get food as soon as they get here, calm down.” he speaks softly, because dare he raise his voice at Jeongin, he’d be left waiting  _ alone _ at these gates for God knows however long more. 

He slumps in defeat, his cheek nuzzled against Hyunjin’s shoulder.

Hyunjin didn’t plan on telling the younger that he’d only bring him along to satisfy his need to patronize Seungmin on his date, but he ended up doing so. Jeongin, equally as wicked as Hyunjin, ( and in need of free food ) obliged. 

Hyunjin thanks whoever above that Jeongin’s not the sensitive type. He’s a keeper for future plans similar to this, for sure.

“Isn’t that them?” Jeongin hoarsely says, clearing his throat to nudge Hyunjin in their direction. 

Well, it’s definitely Seungmin.

Seungmin with his pretty blush on and— God, Hyunjin thinks it’s the first time he’s since the latter with a tank top on, and his shorts? His shorts didn’t cover  _ anything _ , they rode up to the beginning of his thigh, his legs out in all their glory for the whole park to admire.

Hyunjin felt faint. 

Until his gaze shifted from the beauty to… not the beast, because  _ Lord,  _ was this man tiny.

That must’ve been his date.

He wasn’t unattractive, the opposite actually, he looks like Felix’s type down to the smallest detail, which means he wasn’t Hyunjin’s type at all. While he was short, he had muscle on him, Hyunjin wondered if he was also Seungmin’s type too. 

“Come on, stop standing here..” Jeongin mumbled something of that sort, Hyunjin didn’t quite catch it. He didn’t need to, apparently, Jeongin made it clear that he was  _ hungry _ and they needed to get a move on sooner than later. 

He was dragged up to Seungmin and his friend without any argument, it’s not like he could run away.

“Oh! Hey Jeongin, it’s nice to see you here… with Hyunjin?” Seungmin’s voice was lacking something. He seemed tired… or maybe disappointed? Hyunjin was probably imagining it.

“Yeah. We came together.” Hyunjin smiles, almost bitterly, showing Seungmin where their fingers linked. 

Seungmin doesn’t say much else about them, just giving Hyunjin a brief glance, humming before turning to his friend.

“This is Changbin-hyung, I told you about him.” 

Changbin smiles, it’s sweet, “Nice to meet you,” he says to both of them, then turning to Hyunjin. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

_ Christ.  _

“I've heard some stuff about you. Nice to meet you, finally.”

Jeongin tugs his arm, “Okay, now that we’re all introduced, let’s  _ please  _ get fries and some milkshakes.”

-

It’s awkward. 

Maybe not for everybody else, but for Hyunjin, it is.

“Careful before you cut your tongue on the straw..” Changbin says to Seungmin at one point, chuckling as Seungmin sticks his tongue out for him to inspect. Seungmin does it to humor the latter it seems, going back to idling with the straw. 

Still, it ignites some sort of blaze in Hyunjin’s chest. He ignores it as best as he can, busing himself with eating some of Jeongin’s food.

Some time later, Changbin calls Seungmin some sort of sweet petname, Hyunjin can barely hear it over the loud music they're playing (plus Jeongin’s chanting the lyrics.) Seungmin smiles just barely, ducking when Changbin reaches to ruffle his hair.

Hyunjin wants to think he’s a bit uncomfortable. It serves him some sort of reassurance, as fucked up as that is. 

Regardless, it’s gross, how sweet and familiar Changbin is with him, despite barely knowing Seungmin for two weeks. Hyunjin should've gone with his initial plan, saying home or maybe going somewhere else with Jeongin. He hates being a downer when he could be having fun, but at least he knows Jeongin’s not worried about him. 

Well, that’s what he thought.

“I think you’re jealous.” 

Jeongin waits until Changbin runs off to get more water and Seungmin takes a bathroom break to tell him. Hyunjin scoffs it off, ignoring him. 

“I’m right. You know I am.”

Maybe he is. So what?

“Even if I was, it’s not like I can do anything about it.” Hyunjin finally lets up, regretting it almost immediately just because of Jeongin’s devilish grin.

“We’re going to another part of the performance in a few. Dance with him. I’ll distract Changbin-ssi.”

_ Dance with him.  _

Hyunjin falters, “You sure? What if he gets handsy with you? You know that you can come get me if he gets a little too close—”

“I’m an adult now, hyung. I can handle men perfectly fine. Don’t worry about me.”

Hyunjin isn’t too sure. He rests his hands on Jeongin’s shoulders, “Just, for me, say that you'll tell me if he does something wrong.” 

Jeongin sighs with a small smile, brushing Hyunjin’s matted hair off of his sweaty forehead. “I promise I will. I think you just want him to be the bad guy, you know.”

Hyunjin scowls, hands dropping from his shoulders, “Whatever. You’re just—”

“Are you guys done yet?” Seungmin appears, Changbin right next to him. Hyunjin panics at the thought of them hearing what he said, but from Changbin’s light smile, he doubts that's the case.

Seungmin’s lips are turned down, something Hyunjin isn’t used to seeing. “Uh- yeah. Sorry. Let’s go.”

The performance already started by the time they reach the section, but that doesn’t stop them. 

Jeongin does what he has to do, nudging Hyunjin’s arm a little too harshly before slipping away and taking Changbin’s hand. Seungmin blinks, staring at the two as they awkwardly shuffle their way in between the crowd. 

Hyunjin chuckles, “Guess your date was stolen.”

Seungmin huffs, “Yeah, by yours.”

It’s confusing, having Seungmin behave in a way where Hyunjin can’t read him easily. It takes him back to the beginning of summer, when their feud was still thriving happily. 

“Don’t look so bummed out. Dance with your best friend.” It comes out choked, Hyunjin’s rather uncomfortable with that term even if he hasn’t accepted what he feels for Seungmin just yet. 

Seungmin doesn’t even spare a smile, grabbing his hand. He drags Hyunjin toward the front of the miniature stage, where the music is a bit louder.

They don’t dance, Seungmin just takes Hyunjin’s arms and puts it around his waist,  _ it’s so tiny,  _ Hyunjin wants to say, but Seungmin’s here with somebody else, and the need of being appropriate is just starting to hit him. 

Seungmin leans up to rest his forehead on Hyunjin’s shoulder. His hot breaths against Hyunjin’s sticky skin is almost unbearable, but Hyunjin only brings him closer.

It isn’t a slow song, it’s a quite hyper one, and the fact that they probably look insane, so intimate in such a loud setting is… quite embarrassing. Hyunjin still doesn’t move, just to live out the pride that  _ Seungmin’s here with somebody else, and he’s dancing with you.  _

It could be platonic. He doesn’t want to think it is. 

“Are you mad at me?” It’s muffled into Hyunjin’s skin, Seungmin hands traveling from his shoulders to behind his neck, playing with his damp hair. Hyunjin tries not to shiver, despite how good his blunt fingernails feel against his skin. 

“Why would I be mad at you?” he asks softly, and Seungmin shrugs, latching onto him tighter.

Hyunjin feels like they’re in a hotpot, between all these people and the night’s humidity, like they’re the only ones melting together despite all the similar bodies around them. 

Their skin is stuck together now, and Hyunjin  _ really _ wants to put his lips on Seungmin’s neck, grab his waist and have his legs wrapped around his torso, take him home and put him on the kitchen counter, kiss him silly until the sun comes up. 

But he can’t. 

For one of the two main reasons he has.

One, Seungmin isn't interested in him like that. 

Two, that’s not something  _ friends  _ do. Not in Hyunjin’s book, at least. He has some decency. 

“You just seem so out of it today. Just with me, too. I wanna know if I did something wrong.” Hyunjin chest pangs at how genuine he seems.

Hyunjin shushes him, “I’m not mad at you.”

“Then why’re you being an ass tonight?” 

It brings a laugh out of both of them, mostly an endeared one for Hyunjin, at how Seungmin can look so dangerous but can complain to him with pouty lips that Hyunjin’s being mean. 

He wants to say something cryptic. He’s knocked a few drinks of God knows what, his head spinning with impulsivity. He hopes Seungmin isn't as perceptive in this boisterous environment as he usually is in a normal one.

“I don’t know. You’re all lovey-dovey with this guy. Makes me feel weird.”

Seungmin pulls his face away from Hyunjin’s shoulder, fingers still tangled in his hair, “You're jealous?” it comes out with a dazzling smile, one that Hyunjin never expected to see in a context such as this.

Hyunjin flushes under Seungmin’s eyes, turning his head away, only to have Seungmin leaning to follow him. He chuckles again, this one so  _ bright  _ and  _ vibrant,  _ just like the colors of the shadow of his eyelids.

“I guess you can say that.” 

Seungmin just tip-toes up to reach his ear, “That’s cute.” it comes out as a whisper, just for Hyunjin to hear. It makes his heart stutter in his chest, and from the way Hyunjin’s grip on Seungmin’s waist tightens, plus their close proximity, he’s pretty sure Seungmin can feel it. 

He lands on his feet again, just as the first song is about to come to an end, smiling up at Hyunjin, cheeks tinted pink and face glistening with sweat, “I’m not interested in him, if you couldn’t tell.” 

His makeup is smudged, and he looks  _ so  _ beautiful.

He didn’t know Seungmin was such a minx, but really, he should’ve seen it coming. He makes Hyunjin sway him left to right as he gets a grip on his hair and  _ pulls.  _ Hyunjin flinches, a gasp leaving him. 

Seungmin’s grinning at his reaction when their eyes meet again, and Hyunjin is so close to taking his cheeks in his hands and bringing him forward to lick into his mouth, just to see if he tastes as good as he looks.

Fuck.

God, no, they aren’t about to do this here.

Whatever ‘ _ this’ _ is.

Seungmin’s had the same amount of drinks as him, he’s not thinking clearly. Both of them aren’t. 

He takes Seungmin’s hands off of his neck, pulling them away from each other. Their skin resists, stickiness latching on to each other, but Hyunjin doesn’t care. 

He was way too close to losing himself in the moment for any sort of comfort. He needs to get his head leveled. Seungmin looks panicked at the sudden change of atmosphere, trying to get his hands back on him in any way he could. Hyunjin doesn’t let him, just settling for taking Seungmin’s hands and making a trip to the bathrooms. It’s dull and quiet in there. 

He needs to wash his face and get out of whatever mindset he just let himself drift into. 

They reach there in no time, with Hyunjin ignoring all of Seungmin’s questions and complaints on the way. 

The door slams shut, the green walls and shitty yellow lightly shutting them in. Nobody’s in there, just the two of them, a few sinks, some stalls, and a mirror. It’s enough to sober him up. 

Hyunjin releases his hold on his hand, rushing to wash his face, but the fucking  _ tap  _ won’t turn on, and all he wants is to wash away whatever happened back there, because he knows it’s  _ wrong  _ to think things like that about his friend— and fuck… now his eyes are brimming with tears because he’s  _ frustrated,  _ and his chest is tightened and it won’t let go. 

God, now they’re fucking spilling over. 

He doesn’t know how he got on the grimy floor and he doesn’t care, he just knows that he wants to go  _ home. _

Seungmin made his way to sit next to him, just sitting for a few minutes before taking Hyunjin’s head and pulling him into his lap. 

His hiccups don’t fade for a while. Actually, it’s the only noise resonating throughout the small area. He’s got a beautiful Seungmin holding onto him by a thread while his head is pounding and there’s snot running down to his lips, which Seungmin doesn’t hesitate to wipe.

It’s raw, this whole thing. 

It’s something Hyunjin knows he’ll question, wondering if it actually happened or not. 

He’s calmed down now. Doesn’t make him feel any less stupid. 

Seungmin nudges him to sit back up, wiping the stray tears on Hyunjin’s cheeks with the back of his hands. 

“Did I overstep?” Seungmin asks, sounding so small. 

No answer. Some beats of silence pass. 

“If it wasn’t that then.. what was it?”

No answer, a sigh. 

“Hyunjin, please.”

Seungmin’s getting frustrated, probably because he just wants to  _ help,  _ and Hyunjin’s making it more difficult than it needs to be.

Maybe it’s better this way. 

Seungmin being done with him, standing up and leaving, finding Changbin and going home.

“I’m not gonna let us leave normally after that.”

“I can't tell you, Seung.” he says, moving to stand.

He’s never been so confused and torn between options. He wants to walk out of here and never see Seungmin again, if that’s what it takes to get over him. He’s never fallen for somebody so fast before, shit, he hasn’t even  _ fallen  _ for Chan like this, so quickly, and he’s  _ scared.  _

Because Seungmin’ll leave just like Chan did, and at the end of the summer, he’s going to have to rely on everybody else to pick up the pieces of him that’re scrambled all over the goddamn place. 

“Hyunjin—” his hands are on Hyunjin again, and it burns so badly, everything just  _ burns _ , his skin, his chest, his eyes. 

“Okay, just  _ stop,  _ please _.  _ I don’t want to— I can't tell you, can you respect that?”

Seungmin stares back at him with soft eyes, clearly wounded. He swallows, letting Hyunjin peer at him as his steady breaths succumb to nothing more than a few shaky ones, wiping at his tears as soon as they start to run down his cheeks. 

“I just wanna know if I hurt you..” it comes out all trembly, but Seungmin still holds his ground, looking Hyunjin in the eye. 

Hyunjin huffs as he crouches down. He should really just do this and get it over with, so Seungmin can finally know and Hyunjin doesn’t have to see him shed anymore tears.

So Seungmin can decide whether they continue being friends or if he should leave Hyunjin in the dirt. 

They’re too close now, just as they were a few moments ago, but in  _ such  _ a different way.

Seungmin’s unable to face him, eyes now trained on the tiles of the bathroom floor. 

“It wasn’t any of that,” he starts, “I think I like you a lot more than I should. And I don’t know what to do because you’re here with somebody, and I know you don’t like me in that way, and I should know to respect— all of that, literally all of it, but I can't control myself and…”

His words falter when Seungmin looks up at him with tears gathering at the corners of his eyes.

“Please don’t hate me.” 

It’s his turn to wipe Seungmin’s tears.

At one point Seungmin climbs into his lap, exhaustion getting the best of the both of them. It’s steady breathing for a long time, Changbin and Jeongin long forgotten. Hyunjin doesn’t let go, just in case this is the last time he’ll be able to hold Seungmin like this. 

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Seungmin asks, pulling away from their embrace.

Hyunjin shrugs. “Just came to terms with it an hour ago.” 

Seungmin chuckles wetly, tracing the lines of jaw. “Do you know how many days we wasted?” 

Hyunjin just hums in question, brows furrowing. 

Seungmin’s hand drops from where it outlined his face, frowning at him. “You really think… After all of that, I don’t like you?”

It was a genuine question. 

Hyunjin didn’t know. Seungmin just could’ve been doing what Hyunjin has been doing this whole time. Friendly things that were on the borderline of becoming not-so-friendly things. 

“Do you?”

Seungmin sighs, gaze trained on his lips, “I don’t know, do I?” 

Hyunjin shoves him lightly with a small smile, enough to knock him back into a sitting position rather than being curled up. “Answer the question, sir.”

They lock eyes for what seems like eternity— this whole  _ night  _ has felt like eternity, until Seungmin surges forward and takes Hyunjin’s neck in his weak grasp, pulling him forward until their lips meet. 

Hyunjin’s lips are  _ so  _ chapped compared to Seungmin’s, which only motivates the latter to tug them between his teeth until they’re both out of breath. It’s more heated than intended, Hyunjin having to break away with some resistance. 

Seungmin’s head dropped between his neck and shoulder, making it his temporary home with nothing more than a content sigh. “I’ve wanted to do that since we came out to each other.” 

Hyunjin’s eyes widened, “Since then?”

Seungmin hums, eyes slipping closed.

Hyunjin leaves it at that. 

  
He doesn’t know how much time passes, how much time  _ has  _ passed, and he can’t say he cares. 


	4. i’ll hold you to my chest & sing, loud and clear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey readers! i switched my username, just a reminder that i used to be @/kyuudoll. 
> 
> WARNING: there’s an somewhat explicit scene within this chapter, pls be aware while reading.

The morning after the night of the rave was more fast-paced than Hyunjin took a liking to. 

They had eventually gotten up the bathroom floor, unwilling to let go of each other until they realized somebody could just come walking in and viewing their state— sweaty, disheveled, kind of in love. ( they hadn’t reached that stage yet, Hyunjin was sure they’d get to it. )

They got to their feet, dusting themselves off… getting distracted for a few minutes. ( Read: Seungmin  _ really  _ couldn’t think straight, the result was Hyunjin ending up looking like he got mauled. ) 

Jeongin and Changbin didn’t seem to have noticed they were gone for that long, idly chatting each other’s ears off about who knows what. Jeongin seemed rather pleased they were back, nonetheless, latching onto Hyunjin’s arm almost immediately.

Hyunjin just smiled down at him, breathing out a small  _ let’s go home.  _

Changbin parted with them politely, pulling Seungmin to the side. From the way he hugged Seungmin, almost like a silent goodbye, Hyunjin figured he wouldn’t be seeing much of Changbin from then on. 

The rest of the night was mostly making sure Jeongin got home safely… with some obstacles in between. 

“ _ You saw him go in! Can we go now?” _

_ “He hasn’t even gone inside yet, Seung!” _

_ “Doesn’t matter. He’s an adult, he can go home by himself.” _

_ “And when you’re the one filing the missing person’s report you’ll complain to me, right?” _

Seungmin quieted down after that. 

He was quiet for the rest of the night, actually, his eyes slipping shut constantly as Hyunjin had him perched on the counter of the bathroom’s sink, wiping off his makeup with a wet cloth. 

They’d gone to sleep side by side afterwards, Seungmin’s limbs tangled with his. It was somber, peaceful. 

The next morning was... the exact opposite. 

Hyunjin had miraculously forgotten that it was a weekday when his head hit the pillow last night. He had no choice but to scramble to get to work at nine in the morning. Seungmin didn’t have plans, he was pretty sure, but all the noise Hyunjin made while getting ready had woken him up.

“You're so noisy..” Seungmin grumbles from somewhere on the bed. Hyunjin glances at him through the mirror, chuckling softly as he looks down to button up his shirt. “Do you even remember last night?”

Seungmin groans, squashing a pillow over his head. Hyunjin lets him be, just for a few seconds as he continues to get ready. 

He goes flopping onto the bed soon after, probably wrinkling his newly-ironed shirt, which he could care less about right now. He removes the pillow from Seungmin’s grip, tossing it to the side.

Seungmin rolls over to look at him, frowning. His face is soft, and while Hyunjin loves Seungmin’s passion for makeup, he thinks he likes Seungmin better like this. Raw, untouched, just him. Hyunjin tries to suppress a chuckle when Seungmin’s frown deepens, tracing his bottom lip with his index finger, “What?” he asks softly.

Seungmin glances down at his finger then back to his eyes, mouth opening slightly. His lips still look so soft, his tongue darting out to wet them. 

Hyunjin breathes shakily, pulling his hand away. 

It’s too early for this. 

Seungmin glares at him, rolling back over to face the wall. He envelopes the latter with strong hold, giggling. 

“I gotta go soon, so it’s either gimme love now, or regret it later.” 

“I was  _ going _ to give you love but you pulled away. That’s on you.”

Hyunjin huffs, “I don’t mean  _ that  _ type of love, Seung. Turn around..”

Seungmin ignored him, making no move to flip over to face him. Hyunjin sighs, maneuvering his arms under Seungmin’s pits, lifting him up into a sitting position, the latter whining all the while.

He positions Seungmin to sit in front of him, back facing Hyunjin’s chest, probably able to hear his heart rate if he focused enough. 

Hyunjin hooked his chin over Seungmin’s shoulder. “You gonna answer my question now?” he whispers, Seungmin’s slightly shivering from the sensitivity. He doesn’t answer, turning his head slightly just to peer at Hyunjin slightly. 

The door to the bedroom opens with a noticeable creak, making their heads snap forward. 

Chan stands absently at the entrance, eyes scanning them, their… compromising position. 

“Oh,” Chan starts, “Sorry. Didn’t mean… to interrupt?” he says with a sheepish smile, his own ears painted with a red tinge. 

Hyunjin feels himself snap out of whatever daze he was in, “No worries. Do you need something, hyung?” 

Chan shakes his head tensely, “No! Not at all, just wanted to know if you guys got home safely.” he cocked his head, “Seems like you did.” 

Hyunjin swears there’s a ghost of a smirk on his lips.

“Uh— yeah, we did. Thanks, hyung.” he doesn’t hesitate to say, nodding. 

Chan gives them one last smile before clicking the door shut. 

The stretch of silence is deafening, especially for them. Hyunjin can feel Seungmin holding his breath in intervals, as if he’s scared to inhale too loudly. Their position’s become awkward, less carefree, just Hyunjin’s arms wrapped around Seungmin’s torso, the latter barely leaning into the touch anymore. 

“You okay?” he asks, pulling Seungmin closer to his chest, Hyunjin’s breath fanning over his neck. Seungmin nods, his hands coming up to intertwine with Hyunjin’s own. 

Hyunjin just hums, presses feathery kisses to his cheek, trailing down to his neck, making a roundabout to right beside his ear. “I like you a lot.” he whispers, cooing softly at how Seungmin burst out smiling. 

Seungmin turns to glance at him once more, pulling his head forward, his lips grazing the shell of Hyunjin’s ear as he returns a soft  _ I like you a lot, too.  _ It sends a ripple of electricity up his spine, his head dropping down as his ears flush pink, Seungmin’s soft chuckles filling the void of silence around them. 

-

“You’re a little bitch, by the way.” Jisung comes storming into the kitchen the next day, in the early afternoon, when Hyunjin was  _ really  _ just trying to have a peaceful lunch.

He swallows, taking a deep breath. “What’d I do now?” 

Jisung crosses his arms, and Hyunjin’s worried for a brief moment that he might truly be upset with him, from the way his brows pinch together and his forehead creases. All the worry washes away when Jisung drops the act, beaming as he takes a seat across from Hyunjin.

“You and Seungmin?”

Oh. 

That was quick. He was about to place a bet that they’d all find out at least a week later, not a mere day. 

Hyunjin pretends to be surprised, mouth gaping in faux shock, “How’d you know? Are you spying on us?” he says with a teasing lilt, satisfied with the glare Jisung shoots at him.

“Not funny, man! I’m your best friend! You’re supposed to tell me these things  _ first. _ Not Chan-hyung!” 

“Technically I  _ am  _ telling you first. I didn’t tell hyung, he just walked in on us.”

Jisung blinks rapidly, jaw unhinged, “You guys got  _ there _ and I wasn’t informed?! Christ, Hyunjin. Maybe I should revoke your best friend card and give it to Minho-hyung.”

Hyunjin chuckles bittersweetly, “You already did. Had to find myself a new best friend somehow, and  _ boom,  _ that’s how Seungmin and I happened. We didn’t get  _ there _ , by the way.”

Jisung pauses, sitting up straight. “Wait— what do you mean I already did?” 

Hyunjin shrugs. He kinda feels like a dick now that he's gone and brought it up. 

“Nothing. It’s just that we haven’t talked much lately.”

Jisung frowns. “I thought it was just because you’ve been caught with Seungmin this whole time so you kinda just… forgot about me. 

Hyunjin's expression mirrors his, slumping down into his chair. Now that he thinks about it, why couldn’t he have said something instead of waiting until now? 

“You really think I could forget about you?”

Jisung shrugs absently. 

Hyunjin huffs, laying the back of his hands on the cool surface of the table. Jisung's eyes meet his hands, then come back to meet Hyunjin’s expectant stare.

He doesn’t hesitate to lay his palms right on top of Hyunjin’s after that, hands warm compared to his own. 

“You’re always gonna be my best friend, Jisung.”

He thinks he sounds too formal, maybe he’s taking this too seriously, but the bright smile that dawns on Jisung’s face is  _ so  _ worth it. 

-

It starts at the dinner table on a Friday night.

Two weeks in, nobody’s said anything to their faces about  _ them  _ except Jisung. ( Hyunjin found out later the other day that Jisung had confronted Seungmin about it too, with the same shit-eating grin and all. ) 

That doesn’t mean that they don’t look. 

Felix and Minho, Chan too, although he most likely already knows, all give them quick glances that last too long to just be  _ glances.  _ Their eyes hover over touches that seem more out of place than anything, like how Hyunjin would beckon for Seungmin to sit on his lap while all six of them lounge in the common room.

Or maybe it’s that they’re too obvious, with the way they let their gazes linger on each other for longer than necessary in the kitchen, Seungmin perched on the counter with Hyunjin helping Felix bake whatever new recipe he discovered. ( To be fair, Hyunjin wasn’t really helping. ) 

What matters is that nobody has said anything, which Hyunjin is grateful for, because… he honestly doesn’t know what they’re doing.

He knows he likes Seungmin, and he’s pretty confident that Seungmin likes him from the way he’s attached to Hyunjin by the hip almost every hour of the day. 

Yet… there’s been no discussion about them.

Since the night of the rave, it’s been indulging in each other nonstop without talking about what they were. Hyunjin doesn’t like labels if the other party isn’t comfortable with it most of the time, but the fact that Seungmin’s only here for a period of time made him feel like they were running out of time.. which they were. 

He wants them to be something more than just  _ somewhat lovers, somewhat not  _ before he leaves. 

Anyway, that’s not the matter at hand.

What matters is that this peaceful Friday night has turned into a  _ game _ of some sort, between the two of them. 

It’s innocent enough, the small traces Hyunjin feels on his back while the rest of the boys find their own spaces in other areas of the living room. 

He’s watching Chan argue with Felix about which of his baked goods is the best, Minho and Jisung snickering at them in the far corner. They’d been forced to sit downstairs, as usual, just enjoying each other’s company. 

Hyunjin was already pretty tired, his droopy eyes forcing themselves to stay open, just to observe his friends’ banter. He wanted to snuggle up next to his… partner? Whatever Seungmin was, and take a snooze. 

Seungmin had other plans, it seems.

His eyes were just about to slip closed when an icy hand slid up the front of his torso, like an ice-bucket of water being poured on him. He flinched, going to grab the hand, just as Seungmin hooked his chin over Hyunjin’s shoulder.

Christ. 

He turns to look at the latter, “What’re you doing?” It comes out as barely a whisper, only for Seungmin to hear.

Seungmin doesn’t say anything just yet, breathing on Hyunjin’s neck as he subtly looks around. He grabs a pillow sitting by the arm of the couch, tucking it in front of Hyunjin’s stomach.

He looks down, brows furrowed, still confused. 

“Tell me if this isn’t okay,” is all Seungmin says before there’s a hand crawling below his waistband, putting him on high alert. He wants to gasp, but he holds back, eyeing Jisung and Minho. They seemed too absorbed in conversation to notice whatever’s going on, but Hyunjin knows them better than to just assume they aren’t faking it.

He can feel his blood rushing to his ears as Seungmin palms him halfheartedly, other hand holding the pillow to Hyunjin’s stomach for dear life. Hyunjin’s grateful for that part, he doesn’t even want to begin imagining being caught in their position.

There’s something about being worked to full hardness, being woken up by something so indecent, that makes Hyunjin squirm. The other half just comes from Seungmin seeming that he didn’t even  _ think  _ about it, just dived it to see Hyunjin’s ears tinged pink as he sat there and took it. 

He’s hard enough, throbbing in Seungmin’s hand (Hyunjin feels a bit bad that his hand strains against the elastic of his waistband.) 

He thought that would be it, they would continue upstairs, yet Seungmin starts to stroke him at a pace that he's more than fine with, and he  _ melts.  _

It’s hard not to squirm like a fish out of water with the pure ecstasy that overwhelms him, especially with the heat pooling at the bottom of his stomach, but Seungmin seems to find a compromising solution. 

He stops jacking Hyunjin off momentarily, moving to place his hands in front of the pillow instead of having them grab at Seungmin’s thighs. Seungmin moves his hands to grip onto Hyunjin’s waist, keeping an iron grip on them.

“Don’t move, yeah? Just try to stay still for me.”  _ For him.  _ Hyunjin could do it, just for him. 

The hand, now a bit sticky and warm, moves back to wrap a hand around his cock, Seungmin, that devil, digging his thumb into the slit. 

Hyunjin clamps his lips together, inhaling sharply, heartbeat pulsing all around his head. The air around them was already hot, but somehow Hyunjin feels like it’s become  _ hotter,  _ enclosing them in whatever haze they’ve created.

He swears he hears Seungmin chuckle from behind him, but that just might be Hyunjin’s imagination. It’s hot either way, so he doesn’t complain. 

He involuntarily starts grinding back, his mind running on autopilot. It brings a noise of surprise ( or pleasure, Hyunjin’s too caught up to differentiate ) out of Seungmin. 

He’s conflicted, whether to grind forward and fuck up into Seungmin’s hand, or backwards, to get off solely on the way Seungmin’s breath hitches every time his ass comes in contact with the other’s length. 

“Didn’t I say to not move?” Seungmin lets out with a breathy chuckle, and Hyunjin  _ knows  _ he’s joking, but it makes something curl up in his gut, not being able to follow orders correctly.

“Sorry—”

“You guys okay?” 

And just like that, all the heat is fanned away, their breathing stopping for a split second before Seungmin hand slowly starts moving away. 

It’s Felix who asked, both of them not even realizing he and Chan were finished with their banter. Minho and Jisung seemed to still be chatting away, and Hyunjin could only thank whoever was up above for that much.

Hyunjin nods, cheeks probably radiating heat by now. Seungmin hums, “Yeah, back massages for Hyunjinnie, hard day at work today.” 

Felix frowns, “I could give you one too if you want—”

Hyunjin shakes his head quickly, almost certain his neck will snap, “No! No, that’s okay. Promise, I’m fine.” 

Felix's mouth stays agape for a second before closing his jaw shut, suspiciously eyeing him. Hyunjin’s pretty sure he’s joking, but his blood runs cold at the thought of any of the others even beginning to  _ expect  _ what they just did. 

Seungmin seems awfully calm, it’s almost worrying how subtly he slipped his hand out of Hyunjin’s shorts, wiping them on to his own slacks boyishly. Hyunjin stays quiet, embarrassment flowing through him in waves for two reasons. 

They’ve never gone  _ that  _ far before, especially with  _ that  _ dynamic. Call Hyunjin whatever you want for thinking he’d be more dominant, but that’s exactly what went through his head. The way Seungmin spoke to him though, the mere thought of it sends shivers racing down his spine.

That’s only half of it.

Something about… doing anything sexual with Seungmin without putting a label on them first is downright scary for Hyunjin. 

He doesn’t want them to blow this out of proportion, get caught up in the sex to the point where that’s all they care about. ( Hyunjin’s not sure if he himself could possibly ever do such a thing, but he’s not too sure about Seungmin. ) 

They’ve gone through a hell of a lot of confusion and tears to get where they are right now, and the possibility of losing that to sexual pleasure, of all things, is a battle Hyunjin doesn’t wanna have to fight.

There’s a different type of curling in his stomach now, one that almost makes him spill up all of his dinner all over the living room’s floor.

“Excuse me,” he mumbles, maneuvering his way out of Seungmin’s hold somehow. He barely catches Jisung’s head turning to glance at him, and whether or not the latter looked worried didn’t matter to him right now. 

He really starts to feel the bile come make it’s way up his throat, and  _ fuck,  _ does Hyunjin hate vomiting. He climbs the stairs as fast as he can before leaning against the cool wall, taking a few deep breaths. 

The heat surrounding him starts to calm when he slumps down against the wall, curling in on himself. He wants to cry, but it makes him feel dumb. He laughs at himself instead, at how just a few moments ago he was so into whatever they were doing, and how easily he can bring himself so close to  _ vomiting _ because of a scenario he’s gone and created in his head.

The sound of quiet padding up the stairs a few moments later startles him out of his thoughts. Seungmin stands there, at the railing, looking down at him. He’s got a pokerface, urging Hyunjin to look anywhere but his blank eyes. 

He doesn’t know what to say, so he doesn't speak first.

Seungmin moves to take a seat next to him on the carpet floor, keeping his distance.

Hyunjin feels gross. 

Seungmin doesn't even wanna hold his hand. It tears something inside of him, tears surfing on the waterline of his eyes, all as he’s doing his best to suppress the dry sob that wracks through him. 

He forces himself to will the rest of his tears down, swallowing thickly. He’s a big boy. He can do this. 

“I’m sorry.” 

It’s so sudden, ripping Hyunjin’s resolve to threads, turning to look at Seungmin with slightly bleary eyes and a nearly torn up heart. He inhales through his mouth, finding courage to at least  _ speak _ , “Are we- is it done now? Is that it?” 

Was he apologizing because… he was calling things off? Was this it? All of that, for nothing? 

Seungmin looks confused, forehead creasing. 

“What?”

It’s soft, unlike Hyunjin’s ever seen before, different from the night at the rave. It’s not in the least just melancholic, it’s angry, regretful,  _ hurt.  _

“What do you mean  _ is that it _ ? You— Did you really wait just.. for  _ that  _ to happen to end things?” 

The words spewed at him make Hyunjin’s world stop, reaching for Seungmin’s wrist as he scoffs, moving to stand. He feels like wailing, he almost does, but  _ their _ business isn’t the whole house’s business. 

“That’s not what I meant. Don’t— just please stay.” he sounds desperate but he doesn’t  _ care.  _ He’s tired of constantly feeling like Seungmin can slip right through his fingers. They only have a few weeks left, and this isn’t how Hyunjin wants to spend them. 

A few beats of silence pass before Seungmin lets Hyunjin drag him back down to sit, sighing heavily.

“You first.” Seungmin initiates, toying with his knuckles.

Hyunjin swallows, “I don’t know how to say this without coming off too strong.”

Seungmin tuts, “Just say it.”

He  _ really _ should just say it. That’s how most things work with Seungmin anyway.

“I’m really happy with what we have right now. And what just happened, I’m okay with that too. But… I don’t want it to be  _ just  _ that.”

Seungmin stays silent at first. Hyunjin wished he stayed that way, that he would let Hyunjin finish.

“You think I just want you for sex?” 

Hyunjin buries his face in his knees, trying his best not to lash out and worsen this whole thing. He doesn’t know how to say it, how to tell Seungmin he just wants to be  _ his,  _ without sounding overbearing. 

“No, Seungmin, that’s not what I think. God, you know what—”

It’s now or never. 

It’s impulsive, the way he shifts so quickly on the carpet, fast enough to give him burns, grabbing Seungmin by the jaw and pressing their lips together. Seungmin doesn’t object, but he surely tells Hyunjin how he feels with the way he  _ bites  _ his bottom lip, licking at it to soothe the ache. 

Hyunjin pulls back, his forehead resting against Seungmin’s, both of them out of breath. 

“Be my boyfriend. Please.” it’s breathy, the way Hyunjin whispers it against Seungmin’s lips. They’re breathing in each other’s space, one push and their lips would be touching again. 

Seungmin glances up to meet his eyes, and for a second Hyunjin thinks this wasn’t the right move at all—

Then Seungmin’s hands are at the back of his neck, pulling him forward for another kiss, a chaste one, smiling slightly when he nods afterwards. 

It’s like weights were taken off his shoulders, slumping down into Seungmin’s arms, exhausted.

Just a nod is enough for him. 

“You said I’m sorry before… for what?” 

He figures he should ask now, rather than later, when they’re relaxed and calmed down. He intends for this to be the closing chapter to whatever beautifully messed up story this is, no more tears shed for the rest of the weeks they have left.

For now, at least.

The way Seungmin blinks rapidly, shaking his head, resting it onto Hyunjin’s shoulder— it makes Hyunjin’s heart clench.

“Just tell me, babe..”

Seungmin doesn’t let up, letting himself breathe in Hyunjin’s scent. Hyunjin would be fine with it on any other accord, but he wants this to be the end to all the confusion. He needs an answer. 

“Please..”

Seungmin inhales sharply before pulling away, eyes refusing to meet Hyunjin’s own.

“I thought you weren’t comfortable… with any of what just happened. Thought I made you feel forced into it.”

Oh.

Hyunjin can only pause at first, bringing Sungmin's head back home, onto his shoulder moments later. He hears the latter let out a shaky breath, holding onto Hyunjin’s wrist as he smooths down Seungmin’s hair.

“I wanted it, Seung.” 

A relieved sigh, holding on even tighter. 

“Thank you.”

Hyunjin doesn’t say anything else, shuffling to move them into his bedroom minutes later. 

-

The next day is when it’s finally addressed.

“Are you guys okay?” Jisung can’t help himself from asking, causing the whole table to pause and turn their heads. 

The question isn’t directed at anybody in particular, but there’s a silent understanding within it, all of them knowing who it’s for. The atmosphere is different, even Hyunjin can sense it. He figures Jisung could too. 

Seungmin speaks up first, “Yeah. We’re okay.”

Hyunjin covers his face with the back of palm when his boyfriend shoots him a sly smile, all the eyes following Seungmin’s across the table, which land on him. 

They all stare at him, a few of them ( mostly just Felix and Chan ) sitting with dopey smiles. 

“Don’t stare!” he whines, dropping his fork on the plate, using both hands to hide the red that floods his cheeks.

Minho almost chokes from his light laughter, “At least now it’s all cleared up that you guys are a thing.”

“Boyfriends,” Seungmin corrects, making Hyunjin’s heart stutter in his chest.

Minho’s pauses, gaze flickering between them, eyes curious to see Hyunjin’s response.

“Yeah,” Hyunjin nods, body thrumming with excitement, “Boyfriends.” 


	5. i hit a jackpot when i found you.

Days have gone by quicker than Hyunjin expected them to.

Seungmin’s starting to pack his bags.

He does it in Hyunjin’s room, just to spend time together, even in preparation for their parting.

Seungmin’s gotten quieter these days, not like he was extremely boisterous before, but he’s been more so… reserved. Hyunjin doesn’t say anything, because he realizes while Seungmin’s not only leaving him, but the other friends he made, the new home he’s found. 

Hyunjin doesn’t want him to leave.

He doesn’t want him to go back to working at the laundromat with people who call him  _ horrible,  _ horrible things when he passes by. There’s nothing left for him in Gwangju. Here, he can stay and study cosmetology, and watch Hyunjin go from a diner worker to  _ something more,  _ to spend time watching Jisung write his lyrics and how he reads them over and over,  _ to be happy.  _

He wants to say all of that to Seungmin, to tell him to his face. But the fact that nobody had to remind Seungmin to pack his bags, nobody had to even mention it was time to leave— it had Hyunjin thinking that maybe this was for the better.

Maybe his summer without normalcy, without doing the same thing over and over again, was supposed to end like this. 

It was sure new. 

So instead of saying anything, Hyunjin lets himself slump down behind his bedroom door and sob into his knees, heart aching, while Seungmin’s in the shower. 

The past few weeks have been  _ so, so  _ enjoyable, Hyunjin going into work for only half of the week to run off to the random parts of town that he and Seungmin haven’t explored yet, bringing Jeongin along occasionally. 

They’ve written a song with Jisung and Felix, Minho adding in some input as Chan whined to them about how  _ musical expression is great, but please keep the noise down. _

Hyunjin doesn’t know what the melody sounds like, he only knows what the lyrics are, what he and Seungmin took part in creating. It was small, but it was something to hold onto when Seungmin was gone.

He wanted Seungmin to remember him, too.

So he did what Felix did when he was moving to Daegu. 

He started writing a letter.

It’s been on and off, his motivation. He realizes he writes the most when Seungmin’s not home, out with somebody else. 

He writes when he cries, pretty tears staining the paper, smudging the ink.

Look, Hyunjin doesn’t know how to do a lot.

He grew up with little to nothing, only finding a new family at the age of fourteen.

He doesn’t know  _ big  _ words, he doesn’t know how to go about relationships, he doesn’t know about the constellations that Seungmin tells him about, he doesn’t know why the world works like it does, why people have to separate, why they can’t just stay together. 

He doesn’t understand any of it.

But he understands art.

He understands why Jisung writes his music, he understands why Felix likes to bake, he understands why Jeongin  _ still  _ goes to school even with two stable jobs, he understands why Chan likes to work with Jihyo, he understands why Seungmin likes to paint his pretty little eyelids different colors even if he’ll be wiping it off at the end of the day. 

It’s for love.

Jisung loves music, but he doesn’t make it for himself.

Felix likes baking, but he doesn’t do it for himself.

They do it for each other. 

Jeongin hates school, but he still attends to be more than his family ever thought he would, to make them proud.

Chan could’ve moved on to better things rather than his dusty old job in Goyang, but he stays for love.

Seungmin does his makeup, does what he  _ loves,  _ to example for other men.

To be what they’re afraid to be.

He does it out of love for people just like him.

Within realizing this, Hyunjin wants to write about hate. Because all of that, should’ve been obvious.

Hate isn’t talked about nearly enough.

Hyunjin wants to bring light to it.

-

**AUGUST 27 - 1989**

Seungmin cried last night.

He hasn’t said more than a few things about packing, about  _ leaving _ , because he’s been trying to run from it this whole time.

Well, as it turns out, they need to be at the station by ten in the morning tomorrow.

It started out as all nights do.

Seungmin crawled into bed with Hyunjin, facing him, trying to get a glimpse of him in the dark. 

They talked for a while.

About anything and everything.

They talked about the diner, how Seungmin apparently hates strawberry milkshakes, how Hyunjin wants to  _ maybe  _ try start school again, how Seungmin thinks there’s sea creatures at the bottom of the ocean.

All of it.

Then there was this break of silence.

They hadn’t run out of things to talk about, no, they both just paused for a second too long. 

Reality hit.

_ This is your last night with him. _

Even in the darkness and little cast of moonlight, Hyunjin could see him biting on his lip, hard enough to break skin, trying to hold in his tears, trying to hide how his bottom lip quivered.

From there it was just pure nonsence.

Hyunjin got up, turned on the light, wiped Seungmin’s tears ( and a little of his own ) and took out the old radio. They danced to whatever was playing at this hour of the night, mostly just early ‘80s hits.

Seungmin joked about feeling old.

Hyunjin thought about it.

He was only 19.

19 with a house full of people who loved him.

19 with a best friend that works his ass off, even at his young age.

19 with no enemies, yet.

19 with a lover who would be gone in 24 hours.

They were so young.

Even in high spirits he couldn’t help himself from sobbing into Seungmin’s shoulder, cries wracking through him as  _ Stay With Me  _ played on the radio.

Seungmin, not  _ nearly  _ knowing enough Japanese, still sang it to him. 

And while he didn’t know what the lyrics meant, he understood from the way Seungmin forced him to sway to the music, what the intention was.

Hyunjin loved him.

He didn’t say it, but he loved him. 

It didn’t matter whether he knew Seungmin for less than three months. 

He’s so in love with him.

-

They were all snotty in the morning, dried tear tracks on their faces making each other chuckle.

There’s a neverending sinking feeling in Hyunjin’s stomach. He knows it won’t go away soon. 

Seungmin and him shower together for the first time.

It’s the most intimate thing they’ve done, no sexual intent behind it. He lets Seungmin get undressed behind the curtain first, just for comfort. 

He strips right there, staring at his stomach in the mirror. He’s forgotten about eating habits and diets since Seungmin arrived.

“Hyunjinnie,” Seungmin starts from behind the shower curtain, “You can get in now.”

He takes a deep breath.

It’s not like he hasn’t seen parts of Seungmin at all.

He’s seen Seungmin’s torso, slim enough to see his ribs poking out slightly, in the healthiest way. He’s seen Seungmin’s thighs, milky and soft, he’s marked them up a few times before. Seungmin’s arms are long, yet not thin, enough meat on them to even out his proportions perfectly. 

This is seeing Seungmin whole, though.

_ Actually  _ in his rawest form.

He can’t help but say he’s excited, even if that sounds a bit perverted. It’s just to admire his beauty. 

He slides the curtain open slowly, making sure to close his eyes before entering. He’s happy Seungmin trusts him enough for Hyunjin to see him like this.

“Don’t close your eyes! You’re gonna fall—”

“Shh, just, help me here.” 

He sticks his arms out, Seungmin’s grip on them almost immediate, feeling like the best hot, burning coals on his skin. 

He makes it, standing right in front of him, at eye-level. ( Even if Hyunjin’s a little taller. ) 

“You can open your eyes now.” 

It’s so  _ breathy,  _ so unlike Seungmin, he sounds so starstruck. It makes Hyunjin’s heart do cartwheels in his chest.

He opens his eyes, gaze meeting Seungmin’s immediately. They blink at each other, not letting their eyes wander yet. 

Seungmin’s eyes scrunch up in a smile before he starts counting down, eyes snapping to Hyunjin’s stomach when he whispers _ one.  _

Hyunjin doesn’t know where to look first. They haven’t even started the shower yet, and from another perspective, it’s just two guys standing in the bathtub, showerhead dangling above them, water waiting to be turned on.

But for them,  _ it’s so much more. _

“Wait, hold on, we’re supposed to be showering.” Hyunjin giggles, reaching behind himself to turn on the water. It immediately disperses from the shower head, dampening their hair.

Seungmin laughs loud and joyous, a sound Hyunjin wants to keep with him forever.

He finally takes the time to let his hands hover over Seungmin’s shoulders, “Can I—?”

It’s unasked. He knows that Seungmin understands what he’s asking.

He just nods, eyes slipping shut as he lets Hyunjin slide his fingers down his soft arms. They’re completely wet now, water warm and inviting. Hyunjin tries not to be too rough when he sees Seungmin’s waist, despite this being the first time he’s seeing it in all its beauty, no layers of clothing to cover it.

“You’re so beautiful.” It comes out just like that, earning a smile from his boyfriend. Hyunjin feels like he can start crying at how much he admires Seungmin, how angelic each curve of everybody part of his body is. 

“Can I touch you?”

Hyunjin didn’t know in which way he meant it, but that didn’t really matter to him anymore.

Seungmin pushed him back, deeper into where the showerhead poured water, reaching for the shampoo on the wrack. Hyunjin watched him as he poured it into his hands, lathering it up, before gesturing for Hyunjin to lean down a bit.

The fingers on his scalp made him dizzy, leaning in the touch as much as he could. He could hear Seungmin mumbling to himself about how long Hyunjin’s hair had gotten.

Seungmin made him kneel to wash out all of the sudsy 

product, chuckling when Hyunjin wrapped his arms around his torso and nuzzled into his belly. He washed Seungmin’s hair too, taking his time to take the suds and make them into a little soapy beard for him. 

Jisung would come pounding on the door soon enough, telling them to hurry up. 

Hyunjin didn’t want this to end. It felt like an escape.

Bathrooms were their place, apparently. 

“Shouldn’t we get out? My fingers are all pruny.” 

Hyunjin nods, “Yeah. But, let me do one thing first.”

Seungmin looks at him questioningly before Hyunjin backs him up against the wall, “Do you trust me?” 

Seungmin nods.

“Okay, when I count to three, jump, yeah?”

Realization dawns on Seungmin’s face, cheeks visibly heating up. Hyunjin bites down on a smile, fidgeting with his fingers.

_ One, two…  _

Seungmin braces his weight on Hyunjin’s shoulders, gripping on for dear life.

_ Three.  _

He jumps, Hyunjin’s hands hooking under his thighs, the rest of his legs coming to wrap around Hyunjin’s waist. His ears are  _ so  _ red, it makes Hyunjin laugh, almost. But he’s a good boyfriend, so he doesn’t. 

“Why’d you want me like this?” 

His eyes are blown wide, cheeks red, wet hair all over the place, and he looks so  _ good. _

Hyunjin shakes his head, no words leaving his mouth, lips only chasing the latter’s. Seungmin smiles into the kiss, it’s one of the most pleasant things Hyunjin’s ever experienced, his lips meeting Seungmin’s teeth.

“Was that it?”

It’s a challenge.

Hyunjin wishes there was a clock in here.

As if Seungmin can read his mind, he says, “We have all the time in the world until one of them knocks on the door.” 

He’s so pretty like this, so desperate in so many ways for Hyunjin, just like Hyunjin is for him. His hands come up to tangle in Hyunjin’s hair once more, pressing them closer together. 

“Let’s just do whatever we want until then.”

Hyunjin smiles at his eagerness, “Fine with me.”

-

The car ride was packed with nothing but silence, Seungmin and Hyunjin huddled up next to each other in the backseat. It’s giving Hyunjin déjà vu, from when they were only strangers and Seungmin was coming home with them for the first time.

Time flies.

Hyunjin’ll find a way to keep in contact. He might just use the landline afterall, he’ll work extra hours if the billing really goes up that much.

The thought of he and Seungmin becoming strangers again just because they couldn’t maintain something that was forced to be long-distance breaks his heart. 

The letter in his back pocket burns through his clothes. He’s itching to just take it out and give it to Seungmin right now. 

He knows both of them aren’t strong enough to read it without bursting into tears.

When Minho pulls up to the train station, he pauses for a brief moment. Chan seems to glance at him from the passenger’s seat, questioning the holdup.

The latter turns to face the four of them in the backseat, “I don’t wanna see a lot of tears, okay? This isn’t the last time you’re all seeing each other. I’ll find a way to get them another ticket soon, just…” Hyunjin swears his eyes look just a little bleary, “Just hug and say goodbye as if you’d be seeing him in a week’s time. It’s not a big deal.”

Hyunjin knew his intent. 

It  _ wasn’t  _ a big deal if they looked at it from another perspective, just a trip ending.

The whole world felt like it was bound to crash down sooner than later for Hyunjin, though. 

Minho’s a very  _ save your tears  _ type of person. Hyunjin never understood why, being completely the opposite, but now he shares that point of view. 

The message is that this shouldn’t be a big deal because this isn’t saying  _ goodbye,  _ it’s just a normal thing that happens, unfortunately.

Jisung sighs, “Are we ready to go, then?”

Minho looks distant, nodding. 

He and Seungmin hold hands as they carry his bags to the station. With every step, there’s more uncertainty, more fear, that swarms within him through the breakage of his skin. 

They all stand idly, waiting for the train.

In less than five minutes, Seungmin and Chan would be gone. 

Jisung already said his goodbyes back at the house, tears slipping out when he held onto Chan’s shoulders for dear life. Felix, surprisingly, hadn’t shed any, just hugging with a tired smile. 

This wasn’t his first time saying goodbye, anyway.

Minho, like Hyunjin, hasn’t said . .  _ anything.  _

They’ve talked about leaving, they  _ know  _ they’re leaving. But even up until the last second, he’s postponing a formal goodbye. 

The generic station receptionist announces that  _ Train 506  _ would be arriving shortly. 

Fuck.

That breaks Minho’s resolve, smothering Chan with any last-minute hugs he could acquire. He moves to Seungmin next, having to pry his hands of the elder first. 

Hyunjin turns to Chan, wearing a little smile, “It’s been nice having you back. I’m gonna miss you.” 

He outstretches his arms, Chan giving him a sad quirk of his lips before letting Hyunjin hug him with a few pats on the back. 

Hyunjin doesn’t feel anything, nothing like an erratic heartbeat or heat radiating off his cheeks.

Just a somber twirl of emotions sitting in his gut. 

The others seem to distance themselves as Hyunjin and Seungmin meet. 

Hyunjin stops to inhale sharply, tears springing up to brim his eyes almost immediately. Seungmin just chuckles at him, tip-toeing to give him a small kiss to his forehead. 

It turns into Hyunjin grabbing him, pulling Seungmin towards his chest with force, the latter never objecting. He makes a home for his chin on Seungmin’s shoulder, a single tear falling from his eye. 

“I’m glad I got to experience a lot of new things with you.” is what he hears, a bit muffled, a bit wet.

He shakes his head, a silent  _ stop talking.  _

He doesn’t want a short love declaration only because Seungmin fears that they’d never see each other again, love isn’t supposed to be forced, it’s supposed to spring from something normal: friendship, hate, confusing relationships. 

He wants Seungmin to say  _ I love you  _ when he’s ready.

Not now.

The sound of the train’s bell ringing booms throughout the station, approaching faster than he would’ve ever imagined. 

Chan and Seungmin glance at each other, solemn. 

The train pulls up to the platform, whooshing them away, making their hair fly up in all different directions.

He hands his hand hovering over the letter.

It comes to a stop, one of the train’s assistants starting to usher people aboard. 

They turn around waving goodbye.

As it usually is with Seungmin, it’s now or never.

He reaches to grip his boyfriend’s wrist, Seungmin looking back with question. 

Hyunjin fumbles with the letter, forcefully opening Seungmin’s palm and handing it to him. 

It’s hard to think, over all the conductor’s assistants yelling that the crowd needed to hurry up and move. The smile Seungmin gives him is the last thing he sees before Minho’s pulling him back, just because other people need to get on the train. 

In less than ten seconds, the train’s doors are slammed shut, taking off.

The four of them stand in silence, breathing heavy, not knowing how to replace all the noise that just filled the station.

So they don’t.

They walk back to the car, Jisung climbing in the front seat as Felix keeps his distance next to Hyunjin in the back. Minho raves the engine wordlessly, starting to take off.

The sky is still sunny, even on a day like this. 

Hyunjin thinks it’s because this isn’t a sad day, just one that feels a bit gloomy, even if the sun shines bright.

Staring out the window, his mind drifts back to his letter, inevitably, wondering how it’ll make Seungmin feel. He wonders where Seungmin’ll read it, if it’ll make him cry, if he’ll go back to it when he misses Hyunjin. 

He wished he knew.

_ — _

_ I wished you knew the way I hate you, Seungmin. _

_ I wish you knew how much I’ll continue to hate you.  _

_ How much I hate us.  _

_ I hate that we took so long to become something that we knew was inevitable, that it took so much effort for us to be together. Because, we both knew, since the day at the ocean.  _

_ It’s ridiculous to think anybody would open up to a stranger with only barely two days of knowing them.  _

_ I’ve created this idea that you’re coming back, and one day you’ll knock on our front door, and you’ll come to stay this time. I’ve forgotten that it’s something just made up, and I've tried to stop myself from bursting into tears everynight, and it works, because of that made up idea in itself. _

_ I hate the ways things turned out. _

_ How I couldn’t stop myself, or you, actually, from developing any sort of feelings. _

_ Why couldn’t we have hated each other instead?  _

_ It’s often what I ask myself. _

_ But I know If I hated you, I’d think about other things involving you too. I’d start to realize that I’d like you, just because you’re a wildcard. You’d confuse me even more, in this world where I hated you.  _

_ I’d be questioning if I really hated the way you argue with everybody about little things, or if I loved it. _

_ I’d surely be confused if I hated you just because I have no self-control around you, and that’s never happened to me before. _

_ And you’re probably thinking you’re dating a madman, who tells their boyfriend they hate them as a parting gift?  _

_ That’s not the point, Seungmin. _

_ It’s that as much as I fantasize about things turning out differently, things being different,  _ **_how_ ** _ they would be if they were different, it proves one thing. _

_ Even if I hated you, Kim Seungmin, you’d be on my mind twenty-four-seven.  _

_ Me spewing at you all day, everyday, how I fucking hate your guts would never change that. _

_ Because in the end, I’d still think about you. _

_ I’d love our dynamic of ‘enemies.’ _

_ Which, if you think about it, equals loving you.  _

_ — Hyunjin.  _

_ I’ll see you soon.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, that was a wild ride. 
> 
> thank you so much to all the readers and those who left comments and kudos. i wanted to leave this opened-ended, interpret it as you will.


End file.
